Merry, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all!

And to all;

A better IF year!!

You is....

I've been having a very hard time this week with post miscarriage feelings. I would have been 16w2days today. This is supposed to be my merry Christmas. I went for another beta yesterday and my numbers were 33. Which means, I have to go back again next week. In the last ten weeks, I've had eight doctor appointments. I'm so ready for all this to be over. Every time I think I can start moving forward and try to forget this, I have to go back in for another beta and be reminded all over again. I just want it to be over already.

I watched .Th.eHel.p the other day and heard this saying. I'm trying to remember this and I know I'll be reciting this to myself over the next couple of days. Anything to get me through....

8, 3, 1, 2 & 30

I've been thinking a lot about our TTC years lately. If my infertility life was told by numbers it would be; eight, three, one, two and thirty.

EIGHT....years of TTC.
THREE...unsuccessful IUI's.
ONE.......failed IVF.
TWO......miscarriages.
THIRTY.thousand dollars.

I need{want} new{better} numbers!


What would your numbers be?

Shoulda, woulda, coulda bullets

I have a few things to say, but probably not too much on any one topic, so I'm gonna go with just bullet updates today.

*Work is going good. The phone lines are very, very busy. And even on a slow day{like today}
I still took over two hundred calls. By the end of my shift, I have trouble forming a sentence unless its scripted! Thus the gap in my blog posts.

*I've included a sound bit below from an old episode of Br.other.s&Si.sters. I hate that it went off the air. It helped me so much going through IF and with the loss of my brother. I really think it was my own little version of therapy....

*I'm feeling a bit blue. Every week I can't help but think of how far I would have been along. Come Christmas, I would have{should have} been 16w4d. It could have been our best Christmas. And yet somehow, I still manage to find hope and push forward. I don't know where it's coming from, but very glad it's coming from somewhere.

*I know I don't want to be a complete horrible mess of bitterness this Christmas and I am really trying to stay busy and be positive and most importantly, not let IF ruin another Christmas.

*Alrighty chica's! That's gonna do it for me tonight. I hope you enjoy the wisdom that Sa.llyF.eilds gives to her children.

Wisdom from Bro.thers&S.isters

The part I'm referring to happens when there's 4 mins and 14 seconds left in the clip and lasts just over two minutes. The mom is talking to her kids, "Catherine & Devin".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuhdTxPCQ3Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Sorry I couldn't get a clip of just that part. :/

Sent from my iPad

For those of you that have been to the sono clinics??

My SIL that had a m/c right before I did was talking to me the other day about how next time she wished there was a way to know for sure that the baby was still in there in between the regularly scheduled dr visit sonos. Obviously, she's a little gun shy about being PG again, as am I. Well, I told her not to worry, that I had heard of these sono clinics{from you ladies} and I want to get more info. ....So, I was wanting to know if you've been to one, what did you think? Are they expensive? Is it worth it? How does it work? Etc, etc.....

Thanks!

Took a year & a half, but I found it....

Took a year & a half, but I found it....the real-deal, no scheme, work-at-home job. Today was the third day of my new job, answering calls for a diabetic supply company. I'm almost afraid to say{think or type} it, cause I don't want to jinx myself, but it's actually going better than I expected! It is nothing like my last work from home job. NOTHING! I've never been a fan of getting up early and really 7:45am isn't early, but I'm so not a morning person at all, so that's the only thing that's no bueno for me. I start my work days{M-F} at 8:15 and work until 11:30. Have a short lunch break from 11:30-12pm and then continue working until 3:45ish. It's supposed to be 4pm, but so far, I've been getting off early. Bonus! The pay is $10/hour plus fifty cent commission on each transfer we get. All I do is take inbound calls and weed out the people that are really interested and or qualify for the program. If they do qualify, I get their basic info, name, address, etc. and transfer the call to a specialist. Each day consists of 100+ calls. It's busy, but it makes the time go by faster. I found out yesterday that the client is closing the company for Christmas and the new year, so I can either fill in for a different campaign or have a two week break! Haven't decided which it'll be yet....need to find out what the hours are before I commit.

Really hope this continues to be as good as it is now.

No eviction for me!!

*1st I want to express my gratitude for the many, many prayers! I know that is what's helping me pull through this m/c funk. So, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!!


J's been telling me if I don't get a job, he's going to evict me. HA!! That's been the joke able threat around here lately. Well, no eviction for me.....I had a phone interview this morning for another virtual customer service position for inbound calls. Tomorrow, I have a four-hour training session and then I start working Wednesday. It's Monday through Friday, 8:30-4pm with no weekends & no holidays. the best part is it's ALL done from my home office! The pay is not too bad either{$10/hr}, considering I have no commute, so therefore no fuel costs. They say all I have to do is gather basic info from the caller, make sure they qualify for the product they're calling about and if so, transfer the call to third-party company. Let's hope it's really that easy and better than my last at-home job. :/

~Hugs & Hearts ladies ; )

Ahh, why do I feel like this?

I am gonna go ahead and say it, as bad as it sounds....I am somewhat bothered that no one is praying for me. There, I said it. How awful am I?

I am very, very glad for all the prayers for my sister. That's not what this is about. Then, yesterday we found out that my uncle died, so it's like I have been forgotten about. I come from a big family of long-time prayer warriors. I get at least one email a day from my great-aunt listing all the family member prayer requests and I can't help but think where's my name? I know it's horrible what happened with my sister's seizure and very stressfull on my parents that her doctors haven't {and may never} find out what caused her to have one. And now, my aunt asked my dad to do the funeral so along with all the family issues and it being a holiday week, it's a lot to take in and process.

I'm finding the stress of the m/c to be all so overwhelming. (It officially happened a week ago {11/15}. I keep meaning to write a post on that, but for now, it's too hard to even think about, much less write about.) All I keep thinking is I would have been 12 weeks along today. This should have been the best Thanksgiving ever, and yet, it's very much the opposite. I'm finding it very hard to be thankful for anything. And, I know that's wrong. I am very thankful my sister is doing somewhat better. But me personally? I am having a hard time. I have been so strong these past few weeks and now it's all crashing down on me and I CANNOT let it get me down. I WILL NOT become the person I was after our failed IVF.

My brother came in last night and so I am going to my mom's house today to hang out with my nephews{and help my mom cook}. Those kiddo's always, always make me feel better and so I plan on soaking up as much of them as I possibly can and have some much needed and long over due aunt/nephew time.

Prayers needed for my sister please!

My Dad just got a phone call from Golden police. She had a seizure in a grocery store. They are taking her to ER. We are waiting to hear more. EMT said she is conscious but in a neck brace and can't talk right now.

Please dear God take care of her I can't lose another sibling....

New blog title{sorta}

The other day I was talking to my sister and she said she told her bf something about looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. And he replied with, "You just need to make sure it's not the drain!" Hahahahaha, so freakin' true!!! I instantly thought of my blog name and decided that needed to be added right away!

That was rough!

I'm watching my niece & nephew today while their mom is at school and my five year old niece asks, "Do I have a trampoline outside?" I tell her no. She then asks, "What about a swing set?" Again, the answer is no. Now I'm asked, "Why I don't have either." And I simply say, because I don't have any kids. (hard swallow) So she says, "You're gonna have a kid because you have a baby in your belly. Remember?"

Apparently, her parents told her I was PG, but neglected to fill her in on the m/c. .....totally wasn't expecting that today, especially from a five year old!

I really hope that's not a prelude for tonight.... We are going to J's cousin's wedding tonight and we'll be seeing the whole family for the first time since the m/c. And by whole, I mean the 90-something family members of his family. Not sure who all knows what, but really hoping they stay focused on the wedding(for the most part) and not me. I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't mind if someone said sorry, gave us a hug or whatever, I just don't want to hear all the "So and so had a m/c and she got PG and you will too" CRAP!

Welcome Newbies!

I noticed a couple weeks ago that I have four new followers! Please don't think you went unnoticed, I was just a bit preoccupied with great news, quickly followed by my heart-wrenching news.

Anywho, I wanted to say WELCOME ABOARD, I hope you enjoy this cRaZy ride.....I call life! And, if you have a blog, please leave your addy in the comment section{if you want} so I can follow you!

Are you fricken' kidding me?!?!

Last night I open up Fb on my phone only to see this post made by my 2nd cousin.....

"So yesterday was the day I met Chris 2 years ago and

my present/surprise to him was to find out there's

a BUN in the OVEN!! We are so excited for this new addition to our family!!!!!"

Oh, and she's been married for all of six weeks. This absolutely disgusts me!! So, the rational part of my brain is telling me, she was probably PG before and she's just now making the announcement. While the complete bitter part of my brain is wondering why IF can't be only for teenagers and couples who have only been married for six weeks. GRR!! I know, I know, if that were the case then I wouldn't have my hubs'(his mom got PG with him at age 15) or a couple of my nieces, but I'm not trying to be rational and fair here. Because nothing about this is fair! It's fricken' ridiculous!!! I so wanted to leave this comment, "Happy miscarriage to me, uh I mean, congratulations to you." But alas, I always have to be the bigger flippin' person - so I didn't say anything! Then, this morning she has on there week by week by th.ebu.mp and she is only four weeks along. What kind of an idiot posts that at only four weeks?!?! Oh yeah, must be one of those special kind of idiots that live in a fantasy-world, where everything works at exactly the moment you want it to. And everyone lives happily-ever-after, without a fricken' care in the world! I wouldn't know anything about a world like that....must be nice!

(Thanks for letting me vent.)

Now, off to go "hide" her so I don't see anymore of this nonsense..

Update

I went to the RE Monday, had a repeat sono. Still the same results - empty yolk sac. Actually, on this sono it showed two yolk sacs, but they said that didn't necessarily mean twins{which was my first thought} that it could just be abnormal tissue formed from the unviable PG. He said we could continue waiting for the m/c to happen naturally, have a D&C or he would prescribe me Misop.rostol{and Tyle.nol #3 for pain} which would cause me to miscarry within 12-48 hours. After much thought and convo's with the hubs, we decided I would take the Rx. So, last night I took the med's and by morning I had already started bleeding. It was moderately heavy up until early evening, but now it's slowed down quite a bit. And oddly enough, I haven't experienced any cramping or pain thus far. I've never heard of anyone who's had a m/c and not have any pain associated with it. So I'm guessing, this is the calm before the storm?? Who knows....I really don't have anything to compare this to. My m/c after the IVF was more like a really light period with no cramps probably because I was only two weeks along.

I'm really quite surprised with myself for how well I've taken this m/c. It probably has a lot to do with TTC for eight plus years. I know we will try again and I'm hopeful it WILL work. But one thing I've learned from all this, is that high beta numbers don't exactly mean a viable PG. Sad but true.

What I didn't know...

They never tell you key things regarding m/c's. I have friends and family members who have had a m/c before and yet the only thing people ever say is "cramps & bleeding". Those are the only two things I have ever associated a m/c with. But, over the last week I've figured a few things out regarding what's going on with my body. 
First of all let me say we decided against a D&C and we are waiting for it to happen naturally. Which, might be part of the reason my symptoms are what they are, but regardless. They never tell you that you still feel pregnant. What I mean is you still have all the pregnancy symptoms, including, crying at the drop of a hat, indigestion & heartburn, extreme bloated feeling so much so that most of my clothes don't fit. Pretty much I wear boxers or pj bottoms unless I have to leave the house and then I put on what used to be my loosest pair of jeans and I can barely button them. Another thing is I want junk food all the time. Last night I was so hungry but the only things that sounded good to me was greasy pizza, chilly-cheese dog or nachos. Did I mention it was 1am and we don't live in a city that has take-out or delivery all night long. I wound up eating broccoli in cheese sauce and feeling sick after. Smells still bother me and foods don't taste like they used to. And, lets not forget the incredibly sore boobs that I am experiencing. I'm not kidding, they hurt like you wouldn't believe. Unfortunately, my oldest nephew is right at boob level and every time he hugged me I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It's so bad that every time I roll over in bed I wake up cause they hurt so much.  I think the problem is that my brain and uterus are not currently speaking to each other. Most likely because my brain is pissed the hell off that my body is no longer PG. Or maybe that's just me. In any event all of these PG symptoms are starting to take a toll on me emotionally.  It has been eight days since we found out we are no longer PG and yet my body still isn't ready to start the m/c. I've had an achy discomfort feeling in my lower back, hip & buttock region(all on the right side only) but no bleeding or cramps as of yet. We are gonna give it another week and if I still haven't started bleeding we will go see my RE again and I think he will do another scan and we can re-evaluate and see if we want to continue waiting for it to happen naturally or see if we want to go ahead and schedule a D&C. We wanted to let it go naturally, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. When every waking moment I have to remind myself I'm no longer PG. It would be one thing if all these symptoms was going to lead us to our take-home baby, but it's not. And, it's only getting harder with each passing day. 

Grace

It feels ironic that the only song bringing me any comfort right now is titled "Grace". ...When it just so happens, Grace is a name we were considering for a middle name had it been a girl.

Trigs

We went in for our sono this morning and they told us "You're pregnant but the yolk sac is empty. It fertilized and attached but didn't develop properly. There's nothing anyone could have done. It's genetics and the most common/normal type of miscarriage." She said, "this doesn't increase our chances of future miscarriages and won't decrease our chances of a viable pregnancy. Unfortunantly, it's just something that happens."

They told us to take a couple days to decide if we want to have a d&c or let it happen naturally.

We are ok, sad but ok.
We will try again.

T minus....just over 13 hours!

In just over 13 hours we will be at our first sono appointment!! I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now... It's kinda like waiting for Christmas morning, only better! : ) It has definitely been one of the longest 12 days of my life. Even though it's two days shorter than a 2WW it has felt so much longer. If that makes any sense at all?!? I hope & pray all is good, no grand!! And cannot wait to see the little heartbeat flutter!!! This is what we've been waiting for for so, so long!!!!

Does anyone know

If it's safe to drink electrolyte drinks during PG?? The brand I have is caffiene-free, but my sister seems to think you're not supposed to drink them if you're PG'ers. I dunno! I plan on asking my RE when I go for my appt Monday, but they are super delish and one of the few drinks that taste awesome right now! I had already drank a few when sis told me to check with my doc, so hopefully I haven't done any damage. :/

Sorry I've been MIA

I've really just been trying to keep myself busy until my next appt on Monday{10/17}....only four and a half more days to go! CANNOT WAIT!!

We went to the state fair this past Monday with my brother, SIL and nephews, it was so much fun!! J rode rides with the nephews but they really wanted Aunt Dee{aka me} to ride something with them, so we all rode the Ferris Wheel. I've never been a fan of them and I did try to use my being PG as an excuse to get out of it, but the ticket lady said of all the rides at the fair, the Ferris Wheel is the only one PG women can ride. Obviously, I knew it was a gentle ride, my only concern was, "what if we get stuck?" It is only 212 feet high and what's said to be the tallest Ferris Wheel in all of North America! So you can see why I was apprehensive at first but all in all I'm glad I rode it!

Other things keeping me busy is the fact that I am hosting a Pa.mpe.red C.hef. party on Friday, so I am supposed to be cleaning house right now! But, I wanted to touch base here first! I'm really looking forward to the party and would love to have all my blog friends join in, but I'm thinking the drive would probably be a little much for you. :-) However, if you would like to peruse the catalog, I've added it here! Feel free to click & shop!!

I better get my butt in gear and get to my "to do list." It is full of cleaning, grocery shopping, gardening & mowing. I also need to color my hair and go get it cut. {Remind me to tell you what I've started coloring my hair with....very interesting!} Oh and I am supposed to be making a hooded towel for my sister's, boyfriend's niece AND my machine has decided it doesn't want to thread the bobbin anymore!! Not good, since I was supposed to mail it yesterday and still don't have it made! Grr..... : -[

And a photo of said ferris wheel!

3rd Beta Results!

!¡!¡5252!¡!¡

Zzzzzzz

I am so tired right now. Actually, I have been tired all week, some days worse than others...Like today. Other than wanting to sleep ALL the time, I'm doing great! The only other symptoms I'm experiencing thus far is sore/swollen boobs and I'm still peeing like a race horse 90% of the time. That's pretty much it. I'm really hoping I take after my mom because she never got sick with any of her four pregnancies! But, even if I do get sick, I'll probably be the one PG person who smiles after puking. I'm just too happy to let anything ruin this!

Our little bambino(or hopefully bambinos) are already so stinking spoiled!! The day after we told our parents, my mom took me shopping! And, she arrived with gift in hand and proceeded to buy more! I think she bought something at every store we went to! :) I of course, have also been buying bambino(s) cute lil' outfits. It's just so hard to find gender neutral clothing. There's no telling how much more will be bought once we find out what we are having!! =} Then today SIL came by and dropped off two long-sleeve onesies(1boy/1girl) and two sets of clothes(1boy/1girl) and a couple of books for me!!!!

I can't wait till after we decide to go global with this news and I can tell my IRL friends!

Alrighty, that's all for me tonight. Going to bed early tonight since I mowed the yard instead of taking a nap today. ;)

Giving thanks!

Thank you all so much for your sweet words of congratulatory{don't think that's a real word, but that's ok}!!! J and are I super excited and still can't believe it has finally happened! It is all so surreal! The emotions I've felt these past few days have been from one extreme to another. But all, okay most, have been positive emotions. I'm sure it's only natural to have your guard up and want to protect yourself after TTC as long as we have. This week seems to be dragging on forever. I just want Wednesday to come so I can have my 3rd beta and hopefully then it'll really start to set in. ;)


-And to answer Margriet's question: Yes, I will be having an early sono, but not for another week after my third beta. Can't wait!! :)

2nd Beta Results are in:

I went from 104 on Monday to 286 today!!!! I'll have a third beta, but not for another week. It's gonna be a long seven days! ;)

*Please no comments on Facebook as we have only told a select few of our family members. Thank-You!

What you've been waiting for......

The nurse said, “Hi, how are you?” I replied with, “I’m good! Well, I think I’m good, How am I?!?! I could hear her smiling as she said the words I’d been waiting to hear for eight long years, “You are really good! Congratulations Jennifer, you’re pregnant!” I LOST it! I cried, I laughed and told her that she made my world!!! I was so relieved and shocked even though I sorta felt like I was even before I tested Sunday night. I asked what my beta numbers were. And she said, “For your first beta they are great! Your number is 104!!!!!! She was so happy for us and congratulated me again as I thanked her profusely!! She than told me to come back in Wednesday 9/28for my repeat beta. Lots of prayers needed and please keep your fingers crossed for numbers doubling!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I’m Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr K called me that evening to personally congratulate us himself!!! Have I mentioned how much I love my RE?!?! He told me how happy he was for me, and to give his best to J!! Then he went over the next few weeks of appointments, including, my 2nd beta scheduled for 9/28{Today!!}!!! So as you are reading this, I’m getting my blood drawn and praying to God my numbers are sky-rocketing. ....Will let you know as soon as I get the results back! Please keep your fingers crossed for us!! ;)

just a couple more posts....

Our beta appt was set for Monday morning, but on Sunday night J asks again if I’d test. So I did. Well not right away, I had just pee’d so I amazingly didn’t need to at the moment! I drank a full glass of water and waited. I didn’t want to go in there and have a small trickle when I was trying to test. When it was time to go to the rr again, I POAS. I would not allow myself to see the result window. I laid it on the bathroom floor and went and sat on my bed and waited 3-4 mins. Before I even picked up the test I saw one line and thought, “AWE SUCK!!!!!” My eyes had been bothering me a lot(I had already taken my contacts out earlier in the day), I’m convinced I’m allergic to these new contacts. They were itching like crazy so I started rubbing my eyes like crazy! It was almost midnight I think, and I was super sleepy! When I got done rubbing my eyes I looked again annnnndddddd there were two lines!!!! The positive line was just lighter than the control line so I didn’t even notice it at first. I went sprinting into the living room to tell hubs!!! He kept saying, “Let’s wait till the tomorrow and it’s confirmed.” And was not nearly as excited as I was, nor what I thought he would be. I mean it was HIS idea for me to POAS?!?! I was crying and couldn’t stop smiling and wouldn’t leave him alone until I guess it finally set in with him and he hugged me and said congratulations!!
Of course, I hardly slept at all that night! I felt like a kid trying to go to sleep so I could wake up for Christmas morning!!! I also was extremely nervous waiting for my beta appt the next day. We didn’t want to be too ecstatic until we knew for sure what the blood results showed. Because you know how those HPT’s can play tricks on your heart and mind!

The 2WW is finally over with and I am headed to my beta appt……should have the results this afternoon! I am beyond excited!!!!! ......Mimi took me back to draw my blood and she was quick and painless. I was there all of maybe eight minutes and she said they would call around 4:30 or so. I went to the bank and then I went to Wal-M.art because I was out of HPT’s and needed to buy more. Plus, I had a $2 off coupon and couldn’t let it go to waste. I also couldn’t wait for the beta results and had to pee again like a race horse so I went from the cashier straight to the bathroom and POAS right there in a bathroom stall at Wal-M.art!!!! ;) I placed the test back in the pkg. sleeve and laid it flat in the bottom of my purse. Washed my hands and walked to the truck. Figured it had been about three mins and looked at my result. ……..It was a BFP again! I was extremely happy!! I called J and told him and he seemed happy but still not letting himself get overly excited. ….I had to meet SIL in ten mins for a lunch date that we planned a few weeks ago. So I hid all my evidence, since I was picking her up and headed to her work. It was so so hard not blurting it out, but I did good. ...We wanted to wait till it was official before we told anyone. Well, when I got home J was about to leave for work and he asked, “why we couldn’t just tell our parents and siblings then?” I told him we should probably wait until it’s 150% confirmed. He didn’t want to wait and convinced me that it would be ok to send them all a photo text of the +hpt. We knew we wanted to tell our mothers first and we both wanted to be together when we shared our news, so he came up with the whole photo text plan himself and that’s what we did!! At about 1:45 yesterday 9/26 we sent a text{in unison} from his phone to his mom and siblings and from my phone to my mom and siblings.
Of course we had texts and calls coming in so much we couldn’t keep up with them all!! We asked that they not tell anyone, but their spouses and absolutely, positively NO posting on Faceb.ook!! So that goes for you too! ;) I know that I know you ladies wouldn’t post anything on there, but I just have to say it for my own sanity! =/ Hubs’ left for work and I tried to stay calm and not watch the clock. I watched tv, played on my phone, tried to take a nap, but was far too anxious for that. SIL{one I had had lunch with} called and I was talking to her when all of a sudden my RE’s office was calling, a little early too! {It wasn’t even 4pm yet}. So I told her I would call her back and answered the call that would make or break me!

4 posts in one day! Aren't you lucky?!?

The first week into the 2WW is almost over! It is now Friday night{9/16} as I type this and I know what you’re thinking… “Your IUI was only 4 days ago, how is the first week almost over?” Well, let me explain it to you like I explained to J…. The weekend is upon us in T-minus 1 hour and everyone knows weekends fly by, especially when you have a lot going on, which we do! ….Tomorrow morning we have to help my dad remove the remaining items from my Mamaw’s house {I sold it in less than three months! Add that to my resume, sukkahs’’! ;)} Then tomorrow afternoon we, and by we, I mean, mom, dad, SIL, BIL, J and myself are having lunch with my sister who is coming in town for all of twenty-four hours for the sole purpose of us meeting “her new someone.” There’s way more to the story than I’m going to go into, but I will say this: sis likes the darker-skinned boys and our dad is a traditional, Baptist, preacher. Did I mention traditional? I think you get the point and so I will leave that subject alone before I offend anyone. So not my intention at all, just wanted you to understand that Saturday may be an awkward-kinda day! Then, on Sunday, J and I are going to go to mom & dads’ church and surprise them with our presence, being that it is their 8th anniversary at that church. Afterwards, I am sure we will all go to lunch and visit with sister a little bit before J and I take her to the airport Sunday night. And now the weekend is over and I’m officially down to one week in the 2WW!! ;)

The second week of the 2WW wait went a little like this.
The day after the IUI I was feeling all sorts of things in my lower abdomen. Nothing painful, but definitely something, this continued for three days. Friday 9/16 I started feeling a little bloated and had sore boobs, but didn’t think much of it as those are normal for me before I start AND they are also side effects from the estrogen & progesterone. On Saturday 9/17 I tested. I knew it was way too early but J wanted me to test, so I did. The faintest second line ever was there, but I was convinced the Ovidrel was still in my system. Sunday 9/18 I was peeing like a race horse every 15-20 minutes. I stopped counting when I reached twenty pee’s and the day wasn’t even over!! Obviously, this got my hopes up a lot, but I was trying to stay calm. After all, I had been drinking a boat load of water every day. I think the drugs were making me extra thirsty. The bloating and excessive peeing lasted a few days, off and on…. And on Tuesday 9/20, I tested again and got my answer. I was right about the Ovidrel still being in my system because it was a BFN. Oddly enough, I was still hopeful, kept telling myself {and J} that the HPT only detects 20mili-something/something-whatev’ and maybe I was at 18 or something! ...Telling myself anything to keep the hope alive!! ;) I was still having symptoms here and there but nothing too out of the ordinary. My body kept telling me A.) I was about to start and it was going to be a doozy (sp) of a C this month or 2.) they were all side effects from the drugs. Friday and Saturday {9/23 &24) I had some unheard of pain on the tops of my upper thighs. I don’t even know how to explain it! When I got out of bed both of those mornings I almost fell and I had to take tiny steps until they “woke up”. But it did not feel like it does when it’s asleep, but more like really, really sore muscles. It only happened those 2 days and only for maybe five minutes each day. It was the weirdest thing! :/

More story-telling.....

The next morning hubs asked about taking an hpt, it worked for P.hoeb.e, he said? I, of course had my reservations about this… I just don’t know if I can handle another negative. Or worse, what if I still have the Ovidrel in my system and get a false positive? I told him I would take a test if he wanted me too and he said, he would rather know before the beta appt. I went to the store that day and bought a box of three BUT decided I wouldn’t take one until it had been at least 7-8 days from taking the hcg injection. Goo.gle says, it can take anywhere from five to eleven days to be out of your system, so Saturday {9/17} or Sunday {9/18}, I might take an hpt. Might! Ok, I probably will, but only because J wants me to. I want to too a little bit, but I know as soon as I do, I will become an hpt addict. If it’s positive I won’t believe it for fear it’s still the Ovidrel in my system or because after TTC for 8 years I am finally where I’ve always wanted to be and can’t believe it’s true! And if it’s negative, I’ll be holding out faith that I tested too early and there’s not enough in my system so I must keep trying until I get the result I want. Oy! The drama of HPT’s…….

When we started this C we decided that we were not going to tell a soul about it until hopefully it worked. But then after my SIL’s miscarriage, we decided {if it did work} we wouldn’t tell anyone until after 3 months or Christmas. I’ve always had big dreams/plans of telling our news on Christmas day! So, we agreed. NO one would know what we are up to this C. That’s the plan anyways, there’s no telling how long we’d be able to keep that information in, if it really does work!
It has been so incredibly hard not to talk about this. And in the beginning, I felt really bad about not telling my blog girls what’s going on, especially after you all have been there for me through all my ups & downs these past few years. But, I have to say this whole not telling people has made hubs & I all the more closer and I wouldn’t trade that for the world! I never thought J would be excited as much as I am but he is! It’s different this time around… During IVF, everyone knew, and so everyone chimed in of how “they just knew it would work” and “how so & so’s bff’s uncle’s niece did IVF and how it worked for them and so it had to work for us!” I know they thought that was helpful, them being all positive and all. But in the end, when it didn’t work, that was just all the more people to let down. Plus, it is kind of nice keeping this “in the bedroom” matter between the two of us, for once…. J still doesn’t talk about it as much as I do, {ahem, he is a guy after all}, but when I’ve had all I can take, I tell him he HAS to talk about it with me because no one else knows. And so he does! We are both hopeful and anxiously awaiting our first beta appointment!!!

To be continued….. More to come tomorrow, though I might post again tonight! This story is so long and I know you have a life. I promise I'm getting to it! In the meantime, if you missed anything{cause I hear the blog roll isn't updating fast enough with all my posts} you can catch up on the previous posts starting with this one! There's too many to link back to, so start there and work your way newer. :)

More story-telling.....

Monday rolled around and we headed off to the RE for our morning IUI. And let me tell you, that Ovidrel injection must have certainly done its job, because I was very much aware that I had growing follicles inside of me! I remember telling J that while they didn’t feel like the size of grapefruits like they did during IVF, they did feel bigger than usual….maybe the size of a peach?!?! Everything went accordingly and my Re seemed very positive! He told me to continue taking the Estradiol until the heartbeat {10 wks.}…. “Please dear God let there be a healthy reason for me to continue the estrogen that long!” He told me to lie there for 10 minutes, and then he dimmed the lights, he says, “to set the mood” and left the room. Love his sense of humor!! I immediately told J to add five more minutes to the sperm timer {the dial on it was a sperm, too funny}. I would have lain there for longer but J was ready to go. That’s okay, cause I had no other plans for the rest of the day, but to lay around and let gravity work its magic! I know they say you can resume normal activity, but I didn’t have any plans and figured it couldn’t hurt, right? Right!

To be continued….. Okay, I'll give you some more =)

On Wednesday 9/14, I started taking 200mg of Prometrium {progesterone supplements} at bedtime. And, I was instructed to continue this for 90 days. Again, “Please dear God let there be a healthy reason for me to continue the progesterone that long!” My first Beta appointment is Monday, 9/26 and it cannot come quick enough!! This is definitely one of the longest 2WW’s of my life! The first twenty-four hours after the IUI I was calm and relaxed. Now, every, tiny, twinge I feel I’m thinking, “Could that be implantation I’m feeling?” “God I hope so!” Although, if that is the case, I’m going to have several different eggs attaching to my uterus. Hmm…. I don’t care as long as something is attaching and healthy!

The night before the IUI we were lying in bed watching “Frie.nds.” It was the one where P.hoeb.e had IVF and afterwards was laying upside down in the chair singing, “Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Ad.dida.s!” …..I’ve been singing this song ever since my IUI. ;)


To be continued…..

~Remember if this post has got you confused you can check out the earlier posts here, then here!

the story continues.... {I was going to do a post/day, but as usual, I'm too impatient} - Lucky you!

{If this post confuses you, start from the beginning w/this one!}

A little side-note here:

Hubs’ was supposed to fix BIL’s, brother’s truck that same Saturday as the Ovidrel injection but didn’t wind up going over there until that night. I had already told hubs that we couldn’t go anywhere Saturday night cause the med had to be refrigerated until used and since we are not telling anyone about this IUI C there would be no way to conceal it. ...It was 8pm when we left to go to SIL & BIL’s house. I asked hubs what excuse I could use to say I had to “run to the house at exactly 9:55pm, but I’d be right back!”? J said to just bring it with me and smuggle it into their refrigerator. Luckily, they were all outside when we arrived. I removed it from the box{left that in the truck} and “went to the bathroom” as soon as we got there. Opened up the fridge and placed it on the top shelf behind a jar of pickles! …Because I had to take it at exactly 10pm I had set an alarm on my phone to go off at 9:55pm as a reminder……where I then acted as though I had to "go to the bathroom", yet again! I stood in the bathroom and gave myself the injection in my stomach. I was a little nervous at first, I mean it has been three years since IVF and I was so afraid their daughter was going to wake up and walk in there and we would have to explain everything, but no one walked in on me and I was successful with my shot! Felt just like old times, giving myself shots in other people’s bathrooms…… :>

Come back tomorrow for more…..

Now that we are telling....

Remember that medicated IUI we were going to do in June? Well, it got post-poned due to me not calculating the correct cost. :( ….We wound up doing it in September. That’s this month – YAY!! :)

Let me start from the beginning…..
I started my C on 8/27, {a Saturday of course}, called my RE on Monday, 8/29 and had a baseline sono on Tuesday, 8/30. I also started 100 mg of Clomid that Tuesday and continued it through Saturday, 9/3. The worst side-effect from the Clomid was definitely the hot flashes. OH MY! I was so hot one night; I seriously contemplated sleeping naked on the tile floor in our bathroom! Oh what a sight that would have been!! ;) I had two days off of meds and went back for another sono on Tuesday, 9/6. My biggest follicles were 8, 8, &9 and my uterine lining was a little thin, so they started me on 2mg of Estradiol {estrogen}, twice a day. My next sono was on Friday, 9/9. The follicles had grown to 12, 13, & 16….I think? The doc didn’t utter the sizes this time and I was trying to read the chart upside down while she was talking, so, I could have got one of them wrong! Anywho, they gave me my Ovidrel injection and told me take it the next day, Saturday, 9/10 at 10pm and that the IUI would be done Monday, 9/12 at 10am!!

To be continued…..

Remembering 9/11

Taking time out today to remember all those that lost their lives that day. And, also all the people that lost someone they loved.

I will never forget that day. I was at work with both my brothers{one of which has since passed}. We hadn't been at work very long and for some reason had the tv on.... I couldn't believe my eyes! Watching it all on tv was so scary, yet I couldn't, wouldn't turn it off. We sat there for awhile in disbelief. We all left work and went to my parent's house. I don't remember working the rest of that week.....

I remember being scared to drive. Scared to go anywhere. I felt guilty that I survived that awful day, even though I was no where near where all of it had happened. I remember how strange it was to not see an airplane in the sky for what seemed like forever. And then how strange it was to see them again and praying to God that none of them would be used for evil.

I am proud to be an American and I thank God for our freedom! A lot of people may think or ask where was God that day? But in my heart of hearts I know that He was there with all of us that day. Comforting us, like only He can do!

Oklahoma? maybe....

We might be moving north. Now, I am not about to lie to you and say, "I have always dreamed about moving to Oklahoma." Because, I never ever thought I would consider residing there, but hubs' workplace has decided to open up a position there and hubs says he wants to apply. And, being the supporting wifey that I am, I told him if it's something that he is interested in then we will make it work! Plus, this gives me the chance at a "change of pace" lifestyle. I never went away to college. Heck, I barely went to college at all! And, I lived at home with m&d until I got married. So, it would finally be my moving away from home feeling. The good thing is, it would still only be about three hours away from here, so if/when I was homesick, it would just be a short drive. J says, it will be a couple months before it will actually start{if he even gets the position}, but I really don't know if we could even sell our house that quickly. Worse case scenario would be, he finds an apartment to rent and comes home on the weekends until our house sells. Not ideal, but doable I guess. I decided to call mom and forewarn her that there could be a move in our near future. I was sorta worried, since I have always lived within 30 mins from her.....but once she figured out that it was relatively close by, she was A-ok, she even said J was still her fave son-in-law. HINT - he's her only SIL Ha! She's so funny, gotta love her!!

When it's MY turn.....

I better have people coming out of the wood works when it is my turn to have a baby shower. I want a freakin' parade for crying out loud!!! I've been giving this much thought lately, can you tell? This weekend I have two baby showers in the course of 24 hours, one of which I am co-hosting. Both recipients are getting a beautiful hand-made hooded towel, by me of course!

The first shower is for SIL's sister, but her & I are so close that I consider her one of my real sisters. I made her a hooded towel, diaper cake, knitted a couple of hats and bought her some baby clothes, toys & a blanket. The second shower is for one of hubs' cousin's girlfriend, whom I've never even met. Right away, she's lucky that she's getting the towel{don't always give them as gifts}, but then my SIL that I'm co-hosting with asks if I'll make & bring these adorable lil' feet cookies that I made for her shower. They are a plain sugar cookie, that I cut out into a lil' baby foot shape and icing with either pink/blue colored icing. This is a big task and something I usually reserve only for sisters/close friends, but SIL has asked that I please make them, so what am I to do, but make them. Actually, it's what I am supposed to be doing right now, but I'm waiting for the dough to get to room temp so I can roll it out easier. ;)

It seems as though I am doing a load of work for these showers and others that I've done or helped out with in the past. Just makes me want to call every single one of them when it's my turn and say, "you know I put me aside and came to your shower after my failed IVF." And, "yours happened on the same day that I had a false positive." "I co-hosted your shower and cried all the way home." "I shopped for your gift and pretended I was shopping for my own." etc, etc, etc....I could go on all day & night with the many showers I've attended over the eight years, but you ladies get it. You also know that I will never utter these words aloud either. Never call up so and so and say, "I came to 4 of your 5 showers{only because you already had a baby by the time I met you}, so even though we haven't been as close as we once were, I expect you to be there for me with ginormous bells on & plenty of gifts in tow."

Several people have asked if it's hard for me making hooded towels as gifts and yes, sometimes I wish I was making them for my own bundles of joy, but really what I feel while making them is that it's not about me. Just like in twenty-seven dresses, when she's asked "What about her?" and she says, "It's not about her, it's their day. And, when it is her turn, she knows, they will all be there for her." .......Well, I hope they are all there for me too!




every.




single.




last.




one.




of.




them.

ho-hum & a bottle of rum

Seems like I need a new post up, but I'm having trouble thinking of anything worth while to write about......nothing interesting going on around here!

What's new in your neck of the woods?

Tampons, ovulation kits & a plant....

I hosted a quesadilla lunch today and had 3 of my sisters(sister and 2 SIL's) and mom over. One of my SIL is PG and due at the end of October. My other SIL(one that was married to my brother) got re-married in May and announced today she is PG, due in March. After everything she has been through with losing my brother(her husband) I'm genuinely happy for her. Kinda stings that it happened so quickly, but I kinda figured it would. Go figure! .....So the one that's due in October had apparently just bought an economy size box of tampons and then found out she was KU. Tampons were then dubbed "magic" and were given to SIL who got remarried. she had just bought an ovulation kit and found at she was preggors! Now they have some how been dubbed "magical" as well. Then my sister was telling us aboutsone "magical plant" that you're supposed to put by your bed to enhance fertility. I think it's a bunch of hooey if you ask me, but whatev's! Well, they tell me today that they're gonna give me these three "magical" items and see what happens!?!? ....Me, being the smart @$$ that I am, said something to the effect of, "hmm, all these years I've been thinking it was sperm that would be beneficial, but sure y'all go ahead and give them to me. I'll try anything!" Of course we all had a good laugh but seriously do they really think I would've spent $20,000+ already if all I needed was tampons, ovulation kits and a plant? After they all left I had a mini pity party and ate the better part of a chocolate Easter bunny I had found in the pantry, a big fountain coke and four advil. Do I know how to throw a bash, or what? Ha!

In other, semi-related news. I got a job! Of course it doesn't start for 10 months, but SIL has already said she's hiring me as the nanny after her maternity leave is over. So today was good news and great news!

My sister called to check on me(after SIL announcement) and I told her what I repeatedly tell myself. "It's not about me." it's my own little mantra, I use it on a daily basis! ; ) SIL has told me for awhile that she wanted me to be the nanny whenever she did get pregnant, so I've been cheering her on, so I could have a cool job. Well, I asked for it and I got it!

hold the phone!

Now that I have the St.yle.Network & can finally watch Giuliani & Bill I have been scouring the web trying to find previous seasons. Well, I found them on iTunes. ....of course it's $1.99 per episode. Ouch! But, none the less, thats where you can find them in case you were wondering.

Hearts & Hugs....

This is freakin' hilarious!!!!!!

I'm ashamed to say it, but....

I'm ashamed to say it, but.... I've been feeling a little plump lately{that's not what I'm ashamed of}. Truth is, I always feel a little fat a week, week and a half before I start my period. (even though I know I'm not fat). The part that I'm ashamed to admit is, ....I actually took a side-profile shot in the mirror to see what I'd look like if I had a baby bump. There, I said it. Admitting it is the first step, right? ....I dare not post such a thing for fear that will make it all to real. As of admitting it on here didn't already make it clear! ....Although, I did think{for a tiny second} about posting it to Fb and seeing what all kind of responses I got. But then I came to my senses and deleted any proof that I might have. I will say this though. My first thought was....."Wowzers! How can I look like I have a real-life baby bump, when there's no baby in there!"

It was eye-opening, to say the least! Better start up on my pilates again super soon before my "bump" turns into full on plump!

Did I mention?

No coughing last night!

Last night was the first night in twelve days that I didn't cough up a storm. It may not seem like much, but that's a milestone for me! I've been sick since the 4th. Went to the doc last week and he said I have strep throat, bronchitis and a sinus infection.Two shots and a Rx later I'm feeling a lot better. Started coughing again this afternoon. Ugh! Every time I think I'm getting better it comes back. I call it the vanishing/reappearing illness. Hope I get better soon so I can catch up on the blogs!

Hope everyone is well!!

Sent from my iPhone

HaPpY 4th!!!

We are headed to my mom's house for a fun-filled day of food, family & fwimming, I mean swimming! HA! =) ....My brother came in town and so I get to see my nephew's.....my are they getting big.

AND, I made this festively beautiful & fun cake!! It is sooo good! YuMmY!!!

!!HaPpY 4th EvErYoNe!!

Hail, hail go away!

Hey M, thanks for the post title. : )

Unlike M having a lot of rain, we have had a lot of hail. Ugh! Monday night a storm rolled in with 70mph winds and hail 2" in diameter. J's new truck got pummeled and the roof of our house is totaled. This means I've had the pleasure of filing insurance claims this week. So far it hasn't been too rough, but we shall see!! Insurance people aren't normally the easiest people to deal with.

Last night was hail and high winds again, but luckily the worst of the storm went right around us. Whew!

All in all the roof damage isn't horrible, there's no holes or leaks anywhere, but who am I to argue with them if they want to pay for a new roof?

UPDATED AT 10:52 PM -
This just in.....our AC has gone out now too! Well isn't this just grand? Apparently hail has no mercy.....I have to have it cold in order to sleep. Guess we will have to go buy a window unit and hope insurance will reimburse us for it. Argh!!

Not Shingles

I thought I had shingles and I was a freakin' out! A few days ago I noticed this rash on my left arm, then blisters started to form and get slightly bigger. At first I thought it was poison oak, but then remembered my mom had gotten shingles while we were on vacation and everyone thought hers was poison oak in the beginning. I asked RN sis about it and she said to keep an eye out if it starts to spread or get worse, go to the doctor. She also said if it was shingles it will generally only break out on one side of your body, left or right.

The next day I find a new rash on my left leg, then on my collarbone(on the left side) and the pain/itch had become so bad on my arm that I could barely sleep. I literally slept in 15 min intervals for two nights because the pain was so bad on my arm. The rash is close to my wrist, but the pain started in the palm of my hand and went all the way to my elbow.

Yesterday I went to church with my dad and then out to lunch for *Father's day and then drove straight to the urgent care clinic. I was ready to claw and or cut my arm off, anything to make it stop itching. Thank goodness it is not shingles, but it is poison oak. Doc gave me a steroid shot and antihistamine samples and I am feeling much better! I even slept good last night, only waking up 2-3 times!

We have poison oak in our back yard and I was mowing last week, so I am sure that's were I got it from. YUCK! Guess hub's will have to do the backyard mowing from now on....he's not allergic to it like I am, or at all for that matter. Lucky-duck!


{*just wanted to add in here that I know many of you have were not able to spend yesterday with your own dads and I am very sorry for that. I thought of you ladies several times yesterday and hope that your day was good......I am truly blessed to have my dad here still and was reminded of that last week when he was in a car accident. He is fine, no injuries, but after the accident he had trouble catching his breath, which the paramedics diagnosed it as an anxiety attack. I know it could've been worse, but thank God it wasn't.... Anyway, just wanted to let you ladies know I was thinking of you!}

Oops, I.did.it.again....

I thought I had thought of everything, everyone. Turns out I forgot one major factor....ME.

This whole not telling anyone about doing the medicated IUI sounded great in theory. Less people involved, no one constantly asking "how's it going?", not having to tell the whole family "if it didn't work, again." etc, etc.....

However, now that we cannot do it this C and maybe not for a few more months, I have no one to talk to. I'm supposed to start today and so far I've done absolutely nothing. Well, I take that back...I've managed to keep it together and not fall apart{so far anyway}. I've watched tv, surfed the Internet, ate a butt load of junk food and did it all in my Pj's. That's right, it's 1:30pm and I still have my Pj's on! What are you gonna do about it?

This is lonely and it sucks.

More Hawaii Photos

More Hawaii Photos

Hawaii Photos

These are just a few of the photos we took. There is more on Fb AND I
still have loads more to upload, but I wanted to share a few of my
faves!

**Blogger will only let me load 5 at a time....more pics coming shortly!

SIL woes...

Last weekend we were at J's family reunion and I asked his brother's oldest(she's 8) when she was going to spend the night with us. She of course wanted to spend that night(Sunday) with us, then I remembered she had brought her friend with her and said to her we would plan another night this week. I walked over to her mom(SIL) and my niece beat me there and asked her mom if she could spend the night with us....I explained I forgot about her friend being there and what night would work. SIL asked me what days J had off work(kinda felt like she didn't trust me by myself) and I said, "Wednesday, Thursday, but any night was fine with us. Then she tells my niece Wednesday night might work...she has basketball practice every Mon & Wed nights through summer...L(my niece) keeps saying, Please, please, please! So SIL tells her maybe she can skip practice on Wednesday night. L looks at me like "yeah right, mom's gonna forget", so I tell L I'll call her mom that week, I won't le SIL forget. Everybodies happy! Yesterday rolls around(Tues) and I text SIL and ask if we are still on for L to spend the night? They live a hour away, but thought we would have a better chance of her following through if we picked L up, plus we would be out that way cause J has to drop off a work bid. Well, she replies back with, "L has bball practice all summer and we will have to plan a day around that :(".......I am now agitated and decide to confront her with the whole skipping practice that she told L & me at the reunion. I reply back and nicely say, "that I thought she had said L could skip this once...but what night would work better?" Her reply? "L had fun at Monday's practice & I want her to go - maybe we can schedule something at the end of the week." Um, it was Tuesday night. That's practically mid-week, if we wait to figure out something at the end of the week SIL will just give me more crap excuses! I told J I was done trying & didn't even respond. This is NOT the first time we have asked for one of their kids(she's the SIL w/5 girls) to spend the night. I don't know what it is about us, but they have only let the 3 oldest girls spend the night with us ONE TIME. And that was only because we had asked and asked and they kept telling us their crap excuses and J said something to his dad and the next thing we know, J's brother is calling to say, "we can have them over whenever." The only thing worst than that is a pity-invite. I feel bad for the kiddos cause they ALWAYS want to come over, but their mother is being impossible about it. The thing that ticks me off the most I think is that SIL lets all of hers kids stay the night with everyone else, but when I ask all I get is her crap excuses.

I'm DONE trying.

Sorta bummed

Last night I realized I had mis-calculated the IUI cost and well, we can't do it this C. : ( In my heart I know we have waited eight years, what's a few more months? But that's just it, we have already waited eight years, I'm tired of waiting! I hate money, or the lack there of rather. I hate the control it has over every situation in life. Well, if we have the money? .....Maybe next month? ......Always waiting to see. I'm tired of waiting, I want to start experiencing!

Sent from my iPhone

Shame on ME

I have no good excusses as to why I haven't been blogging lately. Sure the first week we were on vacation, but we have been back for over a week now and I have yet to post. In the past, when I would go on a blogging hiatus, there would be several{ok, maybe a few} PG'cies happen upon my return. So I guess, if anything, sometimes I stay away in hopes that my bog buddies can receive joyous news!! ; ) ......Yes, I know my staying away doesn't actually help you concieve, but let me think what I want to! Hehe!!

Hawaii was SPLENDID!!!!!!! I loved it so much I tried to sell my return flight ticket!! Not really, but I would have if I thought anyone would have bought it. HA! = )

This C is when we are giving the medicated IUI a whirl! I want to be excited but on the other hand, we have done 2 IUI's before and they obviously didn't work. Of course I keep remindng myself they were not medicated and they were with my crappy ob/gyn, who, when I asked about a Rx for Clomid, he said, "ahhh geez(while tossing the Rx my way), here if you want it, take it. If you don't, don't....sigh." I never filled the Rx cause I knew{from you girls} that it had to be taken on certain C days and he could not care less about me getting KU, heck he barely even timed it, much less cared if I took anything. BUT now that I have my AMAZING RE, I have to admit, I am letting myself be a little, no wait, maybe a lot hopeful!!!! I am still cautious and probably always will be but I am also excited and optimistic!!!

....Ok. Gotta run, hubs just got home from work and we have yard work to do.

Toodles!!

!¡!Aloha!¡!

Sticks & Stones

I am contemplating NOT going private......There are always going to be mean people in the world, it's a fact of life! Someone who doesn't like me, someone who wants to judge me, people that just don't get it and want to tell me all about it. But, they don't have to get it.....I'm not here to please them. It's like my dad always tells me, "don't worry about what others think/say/do......they're just jealous of you!"

Where have all the bloggers gone?

It's been mentioned on a few blogs lately, but I want to know where you all are? Here are all the blogs{on my list} that either don't blog anymore or maybe changed their blog addy{& forgot to tell me}? The date listed is the last time there was a post.....

Caitlin - 9/10

AjHoward - 9/10

Liz - 9/10

Kristin - 9/10

Nholdorf - 8/10

Jes - 7/10

Richelle - 4/10

Brookeeg - 4/09

I am not trying to be a stalker and I will delete you from my list if you're not doing the blog-thang anymore. BUT, I really do miss you ladies! It's weird knowing everything about someone and then having them drop off the planet?!?! I find myself wondering what ever happened to so & so? Did she get PG ever? Is she living child free?? Did their adoption go through? How is/are the baby/twins doing?? I know life gets busy and with kiddos it's got to be all the more busy & crazy, but I would love to hear from you!!! Some of the blogs I keep up with haven't blogged since Aug/Sept of 2010 and one as far back as 2009!! I just hate to take you off my list in case you ever do blog again. But, I will be making some changes{& editing} on my blog after my vacation. So if you have a new blog addy you want to share with me OR you have decided to not blog anymore let me know either way by commenting and I will either delete or hold onto your addy. Whatever you decide is fine by me. I wish you all the very best in life!!!

Hey! Did you hear??

We are infertile's, so therefore we don't deserve a vacation. Such frivolous spending should be saved and used only for treatment C's. Silly me, I always thought life cannot stop just because we are IF...we must live life as it comes and enjoy things from time to time. Otherwise, why wouldn't we just cancel our electricity and hey who needs water. Or heck, maybe we shouldn't be buying groceries either, I mean, think of all the money we could be saving just by cutting back those three items!! And, don't you dare go about accepting donations, especially when you are not working yourself. The audacity! Never mind the fact that it was our family who asked us to come up with a way where they could donate and help us out.

Sorry! Had to get that rant out.......

I am beyond grateful to all of our family and friends who have wanted to help us save money for treatment C's. Every time I saw one of my fellow IF'ers donate my heart broke and I cried, because out of the whole world of people who might give I never expected it to be from someone who was going through the same thing I am. Their generosity has touched my heart more than they will ever know and I will forever be grateful for the kindness they have shown me!

*I have made some changes to my blogs and I will be going private on this one very soon. I would love to have you stay with me if you want to. You can drop your email in my comment section{don't worry, I won't post it} and I'll invite you to my blog.

{{{hugs & hearts}}}

Hello

What's up ladies?? So sorry I haven't been around lately. It feels like I've been super busy the last couple of months, but then when I think about it, I can't really think of any great tasks that I have accomplished. Weird, to say the least!

This time next week, we will be on a plane headed for Hawaii!!!! I cannot wait to get there, but I am so anxious about the plane ride! I even had to call my Dr yesterday and ask him to call in some anti-anxiety meds. :/ ......never done that before!! As a kid I loved flying. My parents were missionaries to South Africa and every four years we flew back home and then stayed in the US a year and flew back to SA. I loved it, even the turbulence didn't scare me. When I was in my teens I started wondering "how do those ginormous metal things stay in the air and not fall?" Once my mom & I went to see my sis in college and on the flight back we boarded this itty-bitty plane that had one seat on one side and two on the other. I was freaking out!! I had only ever been on planes that had a middle section, TWO AISLES, NOT ONE. Needless to say, mom had me leaning over with my head between my legs, breathing through a paper bag. It was bad, so bad! I wish I could say I have gotten better, however, now that I am an adult I think it has gotten worse{9/11 didn't help either}. Hubs and I went to Mexico a couple years after we got married and they tried to seat us separately{I don't think so}. If this ever happens to you, simply walk to the seat you are supposed to sit at, look at the person that will be sitting by you, look back at your hubs and say, "I'm too nervous to sit by myself. I think I'm gonna throw up!" That person will raise their hand so fast and offer to switch with your hubs in a heartbeat!! It truly is a magic phrase. But seriously, even sitting by J I was so nervous I still almost got sick.

I've known this trip was coming for awhile and every time I started to think about the plane ride I would get this hard-to-breathe-feeling in my chest. I'd simply tell myself, "it's months away, you can worry about it when it gets here." Well, guess what? It's here and I am worried!!! I know that I know that I know, it will all be okay, but still I want to be able to have a good time and feel relaxed. So today, I get to go pick-up my anti-anxiety Rx!!!!!! Thank goodness for great docs, who get it!!

I still have a million things to do before we leave! Better get to it, eh?!?

MIA

Sorry ladies....I know I have been MIA lately. Just wanted to pop in and say hello and let you know I have been thinking of you! Hope all is well in blog-land!!

P.S. I promise to post next week...Promise, promise!

Busy & emotional week ahead!

The crazy busy doesn't really start until tomorrow, but I'm already stressing. We have so much going on in the next seven days.... My SIL is getting re-married Saturday. Sounds weird since she's already my SIL, but she was the one that was married to my brother that died.
~Tomorrow, J and I have an appointment{more pre-IUI stuff}.
~Thursday, is wedding rehearsal day! And would have been my Mamaw's 86th b-day.
~Friday, I have to pick up my sister at the airport and then her and I have to go help set up and decorate the church for the wedding.
~Saturday afternoon is pictures, then the wedding and then the after party that night!
~Sunday is MD and so I'll need to be at church with my mom. Ugh! How is hat day here again. Oofta May!
~Monday, nothing that I know of. Thank goodness!
~Tuesday 5/10 is our 8th anniversary!!
~Wednesday 5/11 would have been my brother's 37th b-day.

I've been ok with SIL dating this guy and getting engaged but I'm afraid come Saturday the emotions are gonna come rolling in. Especially with my dad doing the wedding(he did her last one when she married my brother). What if I keep picturing my brother there? I just know I'm gonna lose it. My mom is walking her down the aisle with her mom as well, my sister is singing, my brother is saying a prayer and J is an usher. Not sure why, but she didn't ask me to have a part in it at all. Oh well, I figure I'm gonna be too busy being a hot mess to be a part of anything. No really, it bothers me that I was the only one not asked and her and I are super close.

And somewhere in all of that, I have to workout, tan, keep the house clean, do laundry, cook meals and J has to work. Whew! What a week. I'm tired just re-reading all that.

What's your plans for the week?!

Special thanks to my subconscious & busy week

I'd like to publicly recognize my subconscious & thank her for pulling me through, yet again! What am I referring to, you may ask? Why the inevitable bomb of a PG'cy announcement of course. Two of my sisters{technically SIL & her sis, but I consider them both sisters} came over the other night. They had come from the botanical gardens after taking some bridal photos, etc. I'll get into that more on the busy week update. Let me just cut to the chase, they had been over for close to a hour when SIL's sis, I'll call her M went to the rr. M came back in the kitchen and had this look on her face & I kinda thought something was up. Then she said, "I gotta tel" and before she could get the whole sentence out, I knew it. M is PG......She finishes with "tell you something." I said ok, but already knew what was coming. She goes on to say that she is almost 16 wks along and how she has been afraid to tell me cause she didn't want to hurt me cause she knows this is something that I want so badly for myself. I realized my facial expression was not that of a congratulatory one & could hear my subconscious telling me to smile and look happy. So I did and in that moment I could see a rush of relief wash over M. Then my dear subconscious reminded me to ask questions, which I did. "When are you due?" "Boy or girl?" etc, etc. I told M how happy I am for her and that I wasn't mad at her at all{honest truth} and that I loved her. I got through the rest of the evening until they left, but that night and the next day I found myself getting quite upset about it. Not upset with M, I truly am happy for her! What upsets me is the fact that it comes so easily to some and those "some" are not even TTC. Oddly enough, I found myself asking the question, "Why not one of my blog-girls?" I wasn't even thinking "why not me?" I just wanted to know why it couldn't be one of you ladies?? In all honesty, I sorta feel bad for M....she is with this guy that is all wrong for her and IMO doesn't deserve her. I even think she knows this herself, but now she is having his kid so I'm sure it makes it even harder. I talked to my sister{actual blood sister} the next day and she said how M had told her that she was so worried that I would pull away from her and that we wouldn't be as close if she told me. M couldn't stand the thought that her news might hurt me so badly that I would not want to be around her anymore. That could never happen. I love M and I told her that. I know I have grown a lot over the last eight years, when I can honestly say that I am happy for her! And even though it is something I want for myself, that doesn't mean I cannot be happy for others. I think it is all in the way it is presented{PG announcements, that is}. The fact that M was worried sick over how I would take the news, shows me that she really cares for me and that is not something I can ignore. The thing that upsets me the most about all of it is that she is now considering moving back home{way up north} to be closer to her mom. I don't want her to go, but in my heart I think she's already made up her mind. I don't think the father will go with if she goes, but sadly that might be the only way for M to make a clean break.

I had myself a good pity-party and now I am back on the happy train! Talked to SIL and found out she likes animals{monkeys, lions, tigers} so I'm off to make her a hooded towel for baby!! I'll fill you in on my busy week tomorrow.....cause I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats. Ha!!

Spilling the beans......{long, but worth it}

Ok! I give, I cannot hold it in any longer. Plus, it looks like it's gonna be June before it happens now and I will never make it till then, so here IT is.

Are ya ready?!? .....I guess I should tell you when and where all this came from and then tell you the what. No, that won't work, you'd be far to busy trying to figure out the "what" that you wouldn't be paying enough attention to the "when & where." Right? Oh, now I'm confusing myself! I'm just gonna tell you what it is and then I'll fill you in on the details, etc.

Ok for realsies, are ya ready!?! I know I am.....








!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE ARE DOING AN IUI IN JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe it?? I am so unbelievably happy right now and it is still 2 months out! I am beyond stoked!!! I can't even begin to imagine how happy I'll be if it works!

So let me get down to the nitty-gritty of how we came to this decision.......First off, yes we are still trying to pay off the IVF, but we are finally to the point{I think} where our payment will actually all go to the balance instead of just paying on the interest. Yay!! With me not working and money being really tight, we have been wanting to pay off any extra bills, like the IVF and stupid little loans that we have that may have been okay when we had the extra income, but not now. Well, J and I hadn't even talked about anything IF-wise in a long time, mainly because I knew we didn't have the money and we wouldn't do IVF again until we had paid off the first one or saved/raised enough money to pay cash. A couple of months ago, he brought up the topic and asked what I thought about doing another IUI{we did 2 with my crappy ob/gyn before we had our RE}. For the sole reason of money, or the lack there of rather. J we had enough in our IVF acct to probably do one cycle and if it didn't work he would be fine with trying it a couple more times. He said, when we finally do get the IVF paid off, he doesn't want to turn around and start all over again with a new loan. Neither do I really. It's just so much money and with no guarantee. After we discussed it for awhile he told me to call the RE the next day and make an appointment for a consult. Last week we met with him and he was thrilled with our decision and said he thought the odds would be good if we tried a medicated C. {my other 2 were barely timed and not medicated at all. like I said, crappy ob/gyn} I asked what needs to be done prior including any tests since it's been a few years. He told me I would have to have a CIS which is similar to the HSG but without the x-ray exposure. I had that appt last Monday and boy am I glad that's done with. Oy! I don't remember the HSG being that painful afterwards. They had told me to take 4 Mot.ri.n before bed and 4 more a hour before my appt. What they should have told me was to take an additional 4 that night or the next morning. All night{after the test} my stomach hurt really badly, like an extreme bloated feeling. The next day was awful and I pretty much laid on the couch with my arm pressed across my stomach trying to relieve some of the pressure by pushing it off my chest. It's kinda hard to explain, but if anyone will understand what I'm talking about, it's you. Anyway, by the end of Tuesday the pain was gone. And in case you were wondering my tubes are all clear, which is what I figured.

Now, the reason we are not doing it in May is because the week I am "suppose" to start is the same week we leave for Hawaii. If anything could make a person want to reschedule Hawaii, THIS would be it. But, we have waited eight years, so really what's another month in the whole grand scheme of it? Am I right? I mean, it's Hawaii and if the IUI works in June, I don't foresee a Hawaii vacation soon after. So we plan to keep vacation as regularly scheduled{not that cancelling was ever really an option} and trying an IUI in June!!!!!

I know this is a long post already, but I have one more Awe Moment to share! Hubs doesn't talk much about this{IF, baby, etc}. If I bring it up, I might get an uh-huh, sure, what-ev kinda response. But, that changed the other day.....For a good two years now, he has been looking for a truck to buy. Not just any ordinary truck, he's a mechanic, so he has specifics that he is not willing to settle on, hence the two-year hunt! The main specific is a single-cab, he always said it would be more of a work truck and vacations would be taken in my car/truck. ......The other day we were driving around, running errands, when he asks me if I thought an extended cab would be big enough? Big enough for what, I said? You want a single cab, what are you talking about? And then it happened.....He continues with, big enough for a car seat?!? Oh my gosh! My eyes started welling up with happy tears.....I never thought we would be having the conversation, much less this conversation brought up by him. In that moment, it hit me, that's his way of being excited and he is looking forward to the possibilities even if he doesn't show it very much or incessantly talk about like I do. Ok! Now I'm crying again! It's just so sweet that he thought of that, I love him so much!!! He's the bestest!!!!!!

The truck hunt continues with a slight change......now he's only looking at extended cabs! {I heart him!}

So, that's "the news" sorry to have kept y'all in the dark. But, in my defense we really wanted to not tell anyone and if it worked, just be able to announce that we were PG'ers, but I couldn't hold it in any longer and apparently J couldn't either since his mom and sis now know, but literally no one else{not even my fam} knows a thing. I guess I figure, it's far less people to disappoint if it doesn't work. And as most of you know, it sucks arse to get everyone's hopes up and than have to go through all the "I'm sorry's." I guess I'm shielding myself more than anyone, but that's the way it goes with IF.

Now that you know the "what" what do you think!?!?

Want to know a lil' secret?!?

Lately, I find myself daydreaming about all things baby-related. I even allowed myself to watch .t.l.c.{.make.room.for.multiples,.bringing.home.baby., etc...} yesterday morning, which is usually strictly prohibited. I don't know if I am hindering or hurting myself with all this new-found hopefulness, but I kinda enjoy it! Eeek!!

I'm still not ready to let the cat out of the bag about this, but I think I will be soon! For those of you on the edge of your seat, wondering.....no, I am not PG{not yet anyways!}. I would never be able to keep that a secret, much less from you ladies, who have helped me through this for eight, long years.

Finally, someone gets it.....{poss trigs}

LOVE that Pa.mpe.rs realizes NOT all babies are created equally!

Amateur, but still pretty good!

I've been watching this show. Actually, hubs and I watch it.....The 1st time it came on, he was all "really? you're gonna watch this?" but after the first episode, he looks at me and says, "I know you already use coupons, but you could step it up a notch!" Ha!

Now, I am no where near as good as these ladies/men, but I went grocery shopping today and did pretty darn good especially for being my first "haul." I got everything I needed for one and a half to two weeks worth of meals/snacks/desserts/drinks. That's everything you see to the right, plus 4 12pks of Co.ke!

Among them included:

• FREE dozen eggs



• FREE pkg of strawberries



• FREE 5lb bag of potatoes



• FREE bag of chips



• FREE cheese



• FREE tomato sauce

I also got:

• 4lb bag of sugar for $1



• laundry detergent $1

Now, for the savings.....

Total amount before coupons/savings card: $190.56
Total Savings w/coupons/savings card: $ 73.68
Total OOP{out of pocket}: $ 116.88


That's a 39% savings!!!!!

Obviously, I haven't mastered the art of it, but the people on the show only purchase items that are on sale AND that they have a coupon for. And rarely do they purchase meat or produce. I on the other hand bought a lot of fresh produce and about 10lbs of meat. Lucky for me, my store doubles & triples coupons everyday!! Use that savings along with their savings card and it's a WIN WIN!!

Possibilities of Hope are Abounding

I can't go into details just yet AND I don't want to jinx myself by putting the cart before the horse, BUT I will say things are going good and I am hopeful and excited and looking forward to great things happening in the next couple of months!!!

I KNOW that last paragraph is vague and tormenting but I HAD to get this out....I'm so excited and want to tell people what's going on and what our plans for the future are, but we have decided not to divulge ANYthing for now. Unfortunately, that includes my bloggy buddies, but rest assured I will spill it all as soon as possible AND you will be the first to know what I am talking about!

OK, I've got to get back to cleaning the house and doing laundry. Blech!

Happy early Easter Everyone!!