30 posts in 30 days: day 1

Day 1 - my favorite song

Hmm, let's see! I have far too many to only be picking one, so one of my fave's is:

She's Cou.ntry by Jas.on Al.dea.n
*I tried to add the video, but couldn't make it work. *

hello

Hey Ladies! First off I want to say thanks for all the sweet comments on my last post and to those of you who looked in on me via fb!! I had a wee bit of a self-inflicted melt down before the 5 year mark....I can't call it the anniversary, cause saying anniversary makes me think of something good, and well losing a loved one is not a good thing. Maybe I should just refer to it as a deathiversary. Anyways, Sunday I went to a WH party at my SIL's house, so that made for a good distraction and hubby knew I was a teeny bit depressed so he said, "he didn't care how much I spent." I normally have buyer's remorse when I spend too much(sometimes any) money on myself, but I decided I was going to go, try and enjoy myself and not worry about the money. That was a nice change, for once!

Yesterday, J and I went driving around looking for houses. I'm sure you're are thinking we are crazy, cause we haven't even been here a year and a half yet, but no worries, we are not moving, yet. We remembered that we like looking at houses and it just so happens that we spend quality time together(no phones/internet/tv) and it's a fairly cheap date, other than fuel of course! Plus, we hope to get in the business of flipping and this way we can be looking for one of those types of houses while we save up some moo-lah.

This morning was my CT for all this abdominal pain I've had over the last four weeks. I kinda have a feeling they're gonna tell me it's "stress & anxiety," which translated into my understanding is they can't find anything, so they don't know and or care to look anymore. I hate this answer, and usually don't go back to a Dr that says that to me. But I like this guy, so hopefully he finds something, just nothing bad. ;)

May 11, 1974 - August 29, 2005

In Loving Memory of my dear brother. It has been five years since your tragic accident that took your life. I miss you every single day. I know you are in heaven and I will see you again, one day. But right now, my heart continues to hurt. I loved you so much and it pains me that you were taken away at such a young age. I wish that we would have had a closer relationship. I wish I could've known you better. I wish....you were still here.




There is so much more that I wanted to share about him. I've been trying to write this post for a couple of months now. Everytime I think I am in a good place and can sit down and type, all the sadness washes back over me. It's still too hard. I don't know if I'll ever be able to devulge my true feelings from that awful day that ripped through my heart and changed my entire outlook on life. Instead, I think I'll leave you with some photos of him.























{*Forgive me if I don't post/comment very much this week. It's already been a very emotional month for me just knowing the anniversary is this month. It'll probly be best for everyone, if I take a few days off.*}

Prayers for a friend!

Remember this post?? Well, today on Fb I saw a status update from a mutual friend that said, she was praying for a friend who's little princess was now in heaven. I immediately thought of T from the before mentioned post. So I went searching on T's Fb page and sure enough all of her baby updates had been deleted and her profile pic was changed back to a photo of her instead of the u/s picture.

I feel really bad for her. No one should have to go through this mess. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers, thanks!!

Tractor Quilt

While going through "would-be" baby items today, it occured to me that I never showed y'all the baby quilt J's Mamaw made for us. This is the boy one with Jo.hn.D.ee.re. tractors on it. She said, the other day, she was going to start on a girl one for me!!

Perplexed

In the last two days my lower back has started hurting in addition to
my stomach pains. Which by the way Dr M has now ordered a CT for. The
pain in my back is much like what it does right before my period only
it's a bit more intense. The perplexed part is that now every time I
go to the RR I check the tp cause I'm sure I've started, but then I
remember I just had my C on 8/14. I'm so freakin' confused!!

Sent from Jenn's iPhone
http://tryingtomakeourdreamreality.blogspot.com/

Really?? & half and half and half

Now jealous at a targ.et.com.merci.al.......CHECK!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Half and half and half
A type of coffee so diluted by sugar, cream or milk that it no longer tastes like coffee, instead like milk and sugar, and has a beige or light brown color to it. The drink is typically concocted by those who want to appear as if they are drinking coffee but despise the taste.

Anne: Carrol is such a coffee poser, she'll only fill her mug with coffee halfway before she drowns it in milk and sugar.

Jill: Yeah, i hate the taste of her half and half and half.

Monday Shmunday Update

Never heard from my Dr last week about the u/s I had on 8/16. I called over and over and could never get anything more than the answering machine{but not the kind where you can leave a message, it only tells their hours, etc} to pick up. The weekend was miserable, I'm still in pain only now it's more of a all the time pain along with the sharp/stabbing pains. Also, in certain positions that I sit in or lay down it feels like it's bruised along the lower right side of my abdomen and wrapping around to my back. The pain is not bad enough to warrant a trip to the ER, but it's enough to wake me up in the night. This has been going on for 3 weeks now and I am so tired...Tired of the pain, tired of waiting to find out what's causing it and just, plain, old, sleepy tired.

I went to his office first thing this morning to find out what's going on and to try and get my results. The receptionist had me wait{big surprise} a few minutes while she found my chart. Then she tells me, my dr was "out of clinic"{which, I think meant he saw pts, but didn't review any charts}, Wednesday-Friday of last week and should get to it today. Then points to the ginormous stack of charts that he "should" get to and says, "after he reviews your chart the nurse will get in touch with you." FANTASTIC{there really needs to be a sarcasm font}.

no such luck

Well, I didn't get the job. Oh well. I was looking for a job when I found that one....I'll keep looking or maybe just continue pursuing my at home job. They told me via a generic email. I was going to be the bigger, more professional person and reply with a sincere, thank you for the opportunity, blah, blah, blah email when I noticed at the bottom of the letter it said, "Replies to this message are undeliverable and will not reach the Staffing department. Please do not reply."

I know I did the best I could do and I am not going to beat myself up over it. It would have been nice to have a paycheck along with good benefits, but that's ok. Everything happens for a reason, right?? Gosh, I HATE that expression and now, I'm using it on myself. I can hear/feel/sense myself trying to be optimistic.....What in the world happened to me?!?

Men!

Earlier today, I tried on my new jeans(that came today from VS), put
on a cute shirt and my new peep toe heels and went and showed hubby. I
was telling him that I liked how they were long enough(I'm 5'9") for
me to wear heels with and that I really, really liked them!!! They are
a darker denim and look sorta dressy when paired with the right shoes/
accessories. Anyways, all he says is, "huh". I just looked at him. I
turned to go back in the house and he says, "what do you want me to
say?" Without even turning around, I said, "Daammnnn! My wife is
HAWT!!" To which he just chuckles. *sigh* What's a girl got to do to
get a compliment?!? Geesh!

Sent from Jenn's iPhone
http://tryingtomakeourdreamreality.blogspot.com/

Back to school

Here is a photo of my handsome nephews on their first day back in
school!! They're gonna be heartbreakers before too long. Come
November, they'll be 8 & 10.....My how time flies. Love these kiddo's
so much!!!

oh boy

I have another dr appt today......this time for a pa.p. Ugh! I HATE these appts. I don't know why, I've been poked and prodded in every imaginable way down there. I thought I would be over it by now, but I keep thinking, "There's still time, I can call and cancel." Oh, but I can't. I've already had to reschedule it 3 times. I have to go. I probably need to go, right? RIGHT?........Oofta may!!


~oofta~
oofta is the correct spelling of the word too often misspelled as uff-da or oofda(although others would disagree). It is an expression used to convey surprise, exhaustion, or a bunch of other feelings a Norwegian may have.

oofta! making all that lefsa tired me out!

uffda, uff-da, oofda, wow, yikes

**Updated @ 12:40**
Called the recruiter on that job and asked if the position had been filled. She said, the decision would be made at the end of the week. (I wanted to say{but didn't}, "Soooo, you're tellin' me there's a chance!:)

Waiting....

Well, I didn't hear anything about the job today. I've kinda braced myself for the worst(not getting it) and that way, if I do get a call tomorrow, I will be pleasantly surprised. As soon as I found out that the insurance covers IF, I thought it's too good to be true. They said, I should hear something by today, Tuesday at the latest.....I'll keep y'all posted.

I had my sono today, finally, for my stomach pains. The RN tech said, there are some cysts on my ovaries, but they are smaller than one centimeter, which supposedly means thats okay, and they're not really cysts, but more less follies. I told her I had just had my C and she said it looked alright for where I was in my C. She is going to give the sono pictures to Dr C, who's going to look at it and then send it to my Dr, Dr M. She also said, she didn't see anything ill on my appendix. I'm still having the pains, though nothing like what it was. If they try and tell me that it's stress & anxiety, I swear I'm gonna go postal. Everytime, I see a dr and they can't figure it out, that's what I hear.

finally

Aahhh! Finally, some me time. Time to play catch up.

Time to watch what I want to watch on tv. And time to read/comment on the blogs!

It was garage sale w/end......Had a good time, made a few bucks! But glad it is over.....it is way too hot to be having a garage sale in Texas.

16 Minutes

I had my second interview today. It was good, I think I did well, however it was rather short. Only 16 minutes from the time I got out of my truck til' I was back in it to leave. I should hear something by Monday. I know I did good, so I'm not gonna beat myself up over it if I don't get. I know the benefits are amazing and would love to have it, but "you can't lose something that you never had." And life will go on.

Thanks for all the good lucks & well wishes!

Short story long

This might get a bit long, so pace yourself! :)

I got up at six yesterday morning. Started getting ready and decided to leave early for my interview. I knew it would take over an hour to get there with no traffic, but since it would be during the morning rush hour I decided to leave even earlier. I got there way too early and so I sat in the parking lot waiting. And waiting. My sis called and so we were wasting time just chatting while she was on her way to work. My phone beeped that I had another call. I didn't recognize the number, but answered anyway. It was a guy from the bank saying there was a mis-communication and they had told me the wrong time. My interview was not at 9:30am, but rather 2:30pm instead. I didn't want to jinx myself with getting an attitude so I said it was no problem I was flexible. He thanked me for understanding(I can only assume others gave him a what for about it) but whatever. I decided to drive back home. Then left a few hours later to go back for real this time. I went in and there was quite a few others there as well, we all waited for a little bit and then were ushered into a back room of the bank. There were 14 of us and it was a 2.5 hour, long, group interview. Has anyone ever been to one of those? I didn't even know they did them. I kinda liked it though. I was a little nervous, but not bad, I think I did really well. Others? not so much. We all had to introduce ourselves and then give a 30 second summary of our resumes. Then tell the lady what out 2-year plan was and why we think the bank fits into the plan. She also had some random Q&A's and on-the-spot situations. She then said she was going to leave the room and when she came back, if she called your name, get your belongings and follow her. After a little bit she called 1 person out. About five minutes later, another, until 5 people had left. She then comes back and says, Congratulations, you have made it through the 1st round of interviews! Whew!! Big sigh of relief....I thought we were getting the boot! Oddly enough, there was another lady that is applying for the same location as myself. Her and I are supposed to wait for a call and then have our 2nd interview at the location we are applying for. She said, It might be Friday, Monday or Tuesday. So now I wait on my call.....


Hey? Where ya going? I'm getting to the good part, now. Stick around, just a little longer. I promise it's worth it! =) ....The whole time during the interview, I'm thinking, "I wonder if their insurance covers IVF". Ooohh, the possibilities, I shutter to think! When I made it home last night, J said he wanted to go out for dinner and a movie. He finished working on the truck and we left around eight. Ate dinner and had some time to kill before the movie started so we went into Bar.nes.and.N.obl.e and looked around. Hubby wanted to look for a yacht magazine(he's already planning our retirement) and I was just wandering around. I wanted to get that Sile.nt Sor.oity book, but didn't know what section it would be in. I turned the corner and saw the Co.ncie.ve magazine and picked it up. And that's when I saw it. This month's issue has a list of the top 50 companies to work for that offer stellar IF/Adoption benefits. And GUESS WHAT?? The place I had my interview IS ON THE LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!! The position is only part-time, BUT they offer full benefits to their part-timers as well!!! I know, I know, this is sounding too good to be true, but what do I have to lose?!?! If I don't get the position, I'll apply at the other 49 places(well, at least the ones that are around here) and hope for the best!!!! =)

See, didn't I tell you the good part was coming up?? I cannot believe how close I could be(if I get this job) to doing IVF again!!! I really, really, really, really, really hope I get this job now!!!!

Ooohhh the possibilities!

Wish Me Luck!!

I have a Wait for it....JOB INTERVIEW in the morning!! I applied over the internet weeks ago and then forgot all about it. She called me this evening and asked if I was still interested. So off I go....Wish me luck, please! I'm not really nervous which is kinda odd for me. I guess I figure, if I don't get it, then I'll continue with this at home job instead. I hope I get it though!

Sono update - My dr called today and said he scheduled it for Monday - So now we wait.

I love my girls!

Thank you so very much for your out pour of support!! I LOVE my blog girls and could not have survived yesterday's comments by myself. I was ready to close down shop, crawl into a hole and ball my eyes out....BUT, instead I sat back and watched my support group take control with an overwhelming amount of support, not only for me & DH, but for our courage to choose what is right for us, and to not back down when someone disagrees with us.

!Thank You!

!!Thank You!!

!!!Thank You!!!

Love to all - ^J^

Dr appt

I went to the dr this am about my stomach pain. He leaning towards an ovarian cyst(lucky me). Pee test came back negative for blood and pg. So it's not kidney stones and I'm not pg, yet again. He gave me a Rx for muscle relaxers and pain killers and ordered a sono to look at my ovaries and appendix. I'll let you know how the sono goes, hopefully I can get in today!

**As for my last post, I disabled the annon commenting and published the hateful comments....so ream away!!!

Need to grow tougher skin.....

I either need to grow tougher skin or delete my IVF blog. Maybe I could just change the option of "commenting annonymous." My last post seemed to have brought on a whole new level of rude and insensitiveness! Then again, they are entitled to their opinions, so I guess I need to publish it. Maybe then my sister wouldn't defend the world when I tell her about the insanitry of comments we TTC'ers encounter EVERY DAY!!!!! I dunno, I've never been known to have "thick skin," but this might be too much for my already wounded heart!

The pain in my abdomen is still intact! I know, I know, I probly should've gone to the dr already, but Friday it had subsided so I didn't think I needed to go. Now it's the weekend so I would have to go the ER. Hubby says I'm being stubborn, (which maybe I am a little) but it weird coming from him cause he normally says I'm a hypochondriac(sp?). Last night, I called my sister(she's an RN) and she said it could be my large intestine or my appendics. Well, I took some meds to, ahem, "clean me out," if you know what I mean, and guess what...the pain is still there. The main reason I haven't gone already is I don't feel like the pain is "emergency room pain." It's not really even "go to the dr pain." It's more of a nuisance than anything! So now I don't really know what to do.

Any thoughts??

Sent from my iPhone

Can't think of an interesting title

Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm in a weird place right now. Not sure I can even explain it, but I'm gonna try. Maybe it well help if I can get some of this out there. Let's see, I got that online job I've been working on. Well, kinda. I now have to do some additional training for each client I service. I am waiting on a reply to know if I qualify for a company I am trying to get in with, then if I do qualify, I start a 3 week course on 8/23 for 3 hours a night/5 days a week. Brutal, I've never been much of a school person!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

This week I've been reflecting on our TTC journey. More specifically, the past two and a half years of our journey. I cannot believe it has been more than 2 years since we did IVF. It amazes me how fast time is flying by. I can't help but feel like I'm standing still{sometimes moving backwards} while everyone else sprints past me. Do you realize, most of you will probably be one your way to acheving your second pregnancy while I'm still trying for my first?

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Tuesday, we went to a funeral for the our old pastor. We went to that church for a couple of years after we got married. He had cancer and was initially told he only had 3-5 years to live. He fought the disease for ten years, and died a few days after his 65th birthday. He was such a great man, we are really going to miss him! .......Also, this week my dad tells me, that lately my mamaw{dad's mom} has been talking about dying. Her health has been declining over the last few years but I can't even think about that. It just breaks my heart....she is my last living grandparent. *sigh* tears *sigh*

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

It's almost midnight and I am not in the least bit tired. Of course, I guess this is normal when you don't wake up until noon, which I did today! Yesterday, we woke up really early and went to bed really late, so I was more tired than usual....For the last two days I've been having a sharp, stabbing pain on the lower, right-hand side of my abdomen. I'm kinda dreading going to bed, cause last night I was really nausous when I layed down and I was totally aware of the pain all night long, enough to wake me up! This evening the pain has been more persistent. I have never experienced this before and don't know what it could be. It's not a cramping feeling and doesn't last more than a second at a time, but is enough to make me want to double over in pain. Is there anything on that side other than your appendics...and can adults even get an appendicitis?

Hi

I have so many things I want to share.....can't get into it right now. The oven timer just went off - I made some yummy stuffed potato skins. Gonna go eat them while they're still hot! I'll try to update tomorrow.

Hope everyone is good. Big congrats to Jayme on the birth of Collin!!! So happy for you girl!! =)

Talk about Hot Mess!

This weeks forecast is gonna be a scorcher!! And, the air pollution
watch is at level orange. I went to the store earlier and when I got
in my truck to leave I had sit there a minute and catch my breath. It
felt like someone was standing on my chest. Though, I have to say...I
would rather it be hot than cold, any day!

Tell me I did the right thing....

Friday night I emailed our blog link to everyone in our contacts.
Friends, family, extended fam, as well as family I never talk to, much
less email. I sent out the link 2 weeks ago when we first "went
global", but I thought I'd send it out periodically just to remind them.

Anyhoo, the next morning I get this twelve, paragraph, email from my
great aunt. {Short story on her is they tried for 12 years to get pg
and due to the lack of treatment options back then they adopted} I
should also mention that she is very meladramatic{sp?} and super
charismatic} Of course, she said something along the lines of us
looking into adoption, not really forcing it on us, but definitely
advocating it. She went on to tell me about family memories of when we
{my sister & I} stayed with her when we were little. I don't even
remember that. And how, if it's okay with us, she wants to add us as a
request to her prayer team. And then she finished up the lengthy email
with this girl she knows{who's about the same age as me} who also has
had/or is about to have IVF. And how her and her husband have been
having a tough time going through IF and she would love to introduce
them to us, "because we have so much in common, and she just knows
we'd get along and be good friends." She also tried to tell me that I
would probably want to switch to this girl's RE because he/she is so
great. Um, I don't think so!

I talked with J and this is what I replied with.....
"Hi K! Thank you for your email and concern. J and I have put much
thought into pursuing IVF and we feel that is what's right for us. I
have always wanted to experience pregnancy and we would love to have
the chance of our child having daddy's eyes and mommy's nose. We are
not against adoption by any means, and we are not saying that we would
never do it, we are just not in that place now. We have already done
IVF once and if we can raise/save enough money we hope to do it again
at the end of this year. It has been over two years since we did it
and we are more than ready to try again. We are fine with you adding
us as a prayer request either spoken or unspoken it makes no
difference to us. It's always nice to know people are praying for you
especially since this is a very trying time. It has been extremely
difficult for me to keep faith with losing my brother and going
through all of this at the same time. I'm sure your friend C is a
wonderful person and I hate that she is going through all of this. I
wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. However, we are not really
comfortable with meeting them. Though, thank you for thinking of us."

I'm now feeling bad for saying I don't want to meet this girl. I don't
know what I would do if I didn't have all of you ladies to chat with.
And what would it really hurt me if I were to just give her my number.
She might not have a support system, like I do. I dunno. J and I just
thought it was really weird of my aunt to want us to all meet up. Like
just because we both have IF we are going to become best of friends or
something. Maybe I should give her my number and go from
there....Maybe I did the right thing....Maybe I'm thinking too much
about it. *sigh*