Meltdown....

And today is apparently my day. Out of the blue, well maybe not out of the complete blue..... My sister talked to me yesterday about adopting(and while I thought I was in a good place and that I could talk about it, now I'm not so sure). I tried to explain to her that its not that we are opposed to it {for the most part} it's that we cannot afford it. We didn't stop all treatments because we didn't want to do them anymore, albeit they were tremendously heartbreaking when they didn't work. We stopped because we cannot afford to keep trying. And I know, if you wait till you can afford it, you'll never be able to afford it. I get that. But after not being able to afford $30K and still spending it, we are officially tapped out of all things non-affordable.

Sitting here now and watching an old episode of S.ex&Th.eCi.ty and I lost it. I broke down and  cried my heart out. No more will I be able to talk about this with family members, even when I think I'm ok to talk about it. Because it ALWAYS takes its toll on me the next day.

I'm sad.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.

Thank-You Ladies {once again}

Y'all sure know how to make a girl feel loved!!!

Last week was not so good for me, as I'm sure you could tell from my previous post. ;) I don't even know what happened....things had been going good, I hadn't even been really thinking about TTC or the lack there of rather. I wasn't even feeling down and out. But then last week happened. I got a birth announcement on Fb from an ex co-worker and the weird thing about that is she too has had her probs with IF and I found myself hurt that she was PG before me! After all, I'd been trying a lot longer than her! I never used to be that way. I used to only get mad at women that didn't have to really try, you know the ones that say, "Let's start TTC" and then get PG the very first month. You know "those women." Throw in a couple PG announcements, and a morning drive to work where I had to change the radio station 5 times  because they kept talking about this actress or that actress being PG or just had a baby or the song they were playing was baby related. And in case you were wondering, my commute is only 25 mins at the max. :( I guess I'd had all I could take and needed to vent! ......Speaking of work, I still love being a nanny to Little Miss! And more importantly, I love that I can separate my feelings and not be envious of my sister for being able to get PG/have a baby. With that said, there are times when I'll be talking to my mom while caring for Little Miss and the conversations we have are difficult for me because I always thought that those talks would be about my baby. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is hard to quit TTC and yet still have  daily baby conversations about someone else's baby. :{

So thanks for letting me get it all out and also thank you for indulging me on a quest to know if miracles do still happen w/out treatment! ;)

Testing, 1, 2, 3

My name is ~J~ and I'm an infertile in a major funk!

Hello, hope y'all had a good Christmas! Happy New Year, blah blah blah....

I have a question to those of you who are currently PG or maybe you already had your baby. I haven't really been keeping up. Sorry! It's not that I don't care, I do. I just try and guard my heart from more hurt. Anyways, my question for you, is,  Did you stop thinking about it/quit TTC and then it happened? Or, We're you trying to get PG, when you did? And if so, Were you doing a treatment C, timing BD, what exactly?? I don't know why I'm even asking. Like it's gonna magically happen to me or something, yeah right. I feel like the exception to every rule. Which could apply to both good & bad rules, unfortunately, I only seem to attract the bad. I guess a part of me will never really give in and give up on my dream.... We have already said we are done trying and even if we hadn't, we are in so much debt for trying to get PG the last nine years, that I don't even think it would be feasible. 

These questions have been on my mind for awhile now, so I figured I should just ask. What else do I have to lose?

-Thanks