Meltdown....

And today is apparently my day. Out of the blue, well maybe not out of the complete blue..... My sister talked to me yesterday about adopting(and while I thought I was in a good place and that I could talk about it, now I'm not so sure). I tried to explain to her that its not that we are opposed to it {for the most part} it's that we cannot afford it. We didn't stop all treatments because we didn't want to do them anymore, albeit they were tremendously heartbreaking when they didn't work. We stopped because we cannot afford to keep trying. And I know, if you wait till you can afford it, you'll never be able to afford it. I get that. But after not being able to afford $30K and still spending it, we are officially tapped out of all things non-affordable.

Sitting here now and watching an old episode of S.ex&Th.eCi.ty and I lost it. I broke down and  cried my heart out. No more will I be able to talk about this with family members, even when I think I'm ok to talk about it. Because it ALWAYS takes its toll on me the next day.

I'm sad.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.