I've been contemplating a FB group message or a blog post... I know I've stopped blogging & I'm not real sure who, if anyone, still blogs? Therefore, I don't know if anyone will read this? I know everyone is sure to see it in a FB message, but for some reason I feel more comfortable pouring my heart out here.
What I'm about to tell you is not easy for me to say. That's probably why I've debated posting anything at all...
Where do I begin? Remember last September when we did that IUI, that did work, but ended with a m/c? Well, before we did that one we had decided that we were going to try two more IUI's and then we were going to stop all IF treatments{never thinking it would end this way}. So the first one ended sadly with the m/c at the end of last year, then we did our 2nd & final IUI last month....It did not work. And well, I don't have to tell you, but these last two weeks have been extremely difficult for me.
It's so much more than, "It didn't work." It goes beyond that in every way possible. There is no more hope. I'm not going to be a mommy. There will never be any crying babies to sooth, no love, hugs & kisses, no first steps or first words, no scraped knees to band-aid, no teaching my kiddo's how to ride a bike, no first day of school jitters...nothing. And, if I'm not a mother, than I won't ever be a mamaw, so no grandchildren either...
I don't know how to do this. How am I supposed live child free and be okay with it? Will this pain go away? Will I be bitter the rest of my life or will I eventually learn to live without children? The questions are endless. I'm not sure what else to say...
My heart is broken....
