Weekend Recap

We did nothing Friday night cause J had to work. He slept until 9pm
and I honestly can't remember what I was doing(how sad) I'm sure I
spent the evening watching tv and washing clothes. Not quite the
exciting start to the weekend.

Saturday morning was the birthday party for my niece. She turned 5 and
had a dress-up party. We were a hour late cause dh got off work late
and I got stuck behind a stream of cars that wouldn't drive more than
55mph even though the speed limit was 70. Grr, stupid 2-lane roads.
After the party we came home so J could go to bed.

My cousin called and said his dad(my uncle) was wanting to talk to J
about coming to work for him. I can't wait for J to go talk to him.
This could mean a Mon-Fri job on first shift no less!!! We are both
really excited about the possibilities. J has been working 3rd shift
for the last five years and it is getting really old. I'm hoping
something works out cause DH needs to be happy with his work. Of
course, we would lose the insurance, but the way I see it it doesn't
cover what we need it to anyways so maybe it wouldn't be that bad. And
maybe he does offer some kind of insurance, I don't really know.

Sunday, we went to church(shocker,I know) and yet again we were late.
J didn't get off work until 10:10, then drove home, showered and I
think we left 3 minutes before it was supposed to start....it takes 25
to get there. *sigh* But, the point is, we went. :)

I have been trying to work on the computer all afternoon with little
progress. I'm still working on that stuff for my sister. It was
suppose to be only a month but it got pushed out a bit. Now, my
deadline is March 5th and I still have three hundred to go. Provided,
I get these finish the 28 I am currently working on. Ugh! It takes
roughly a hour to do ten recipes and it is getting frusterating! :( I
have already done the math and if I do 75 each day I can be done a day
early.....I'm hoping to reward myself with a lil' shopping spree!!! It
will have to be super little since I'm not working and we don't have a
lot of extra cash, but really even if I can just get out of the house
that will be reward enough!!

I'm gonna try for an all-nighter to get as much of this done as
possible. Started drinking coffee about a hour ago, hope it starts
kicking in fast!!

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Results of S&T

Turns out if you show up a hour late to the party, it's not that bad....Plus, I just hung out with my hansom little nephew since all the girls were busy playing dress-up!!

Show & Tell

This is my version of show & tell....
When you have a SIL with five little girls, that means you are buying 5 birthday-party gifts and 5 Christmas gifts, plus the gifts for the parent's b-days, etc. All of this can seriously add up, especially when she is one of 3 SIL's with kids(granted, she has the most). Now sure, I should be happy that we even receive b-day cards from them. BUT c'mon, No gifts for the fun, childless aunt & uncle? That's just rude!



Sure, from the outside it looks sweet and innocent!

And yes, I always buy a cute outfit...This is a tunic dress with leggings. And, I threw in a little scarf! Whole outfit was $6!!!!

Now for the fun stuff - A nail polish set!!!

AND, glitter tattoo's!!

Now, I know this post may come off as a little spiteful(ok maybe a lot spiteful)But that is not my intention. And, just so you know, I buy what I think the child likes, NOT what the parent likes.What little girl doesn't like nail polish and all things glitter. You will be happy to know I put back the lip gloss set and glitter hair/body spray.
Tomorrow's the party....sucky sucky for me. I'm hoping DH will be tired(after working all night) and we can leave early and I won't get too terribly depressed about being the only one there without kids. :{ But, if it goes the other way, I already have chocolate & caffiene on hand. Wish me luck and PLEASE send me some non-hatred-vibes. ;)

Jennology

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name followed by "ology"

FOODOLOGY:
*What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch
*What is your favorite sit down restaurant? Olive Garden
*What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Panda Express
*What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Mexican
*What are your pizza toppings of choice? ham & pineapple
*How many televisions are in your house? 2
*What color cell phone do you have? white

BIOLOGY:
*Are you right-handed or left-handed? right
*Have you ever had anything removed from your body? wisdom teeth,lump, eggs
*What is the last heavy item you lifted? tool box
*Have you ever been knocked unconscious? only medically, not by a fist
*Have you ever fainted? Yes

BULLCRAPOLOGY:
*If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Nope
*If you could change your name, what would you change it to? middle name to Amanda(only cause my current middle name is the same as DH's 1st wife, UGH!)
*How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? 8, maybe
*Last person you talked to? the hubs

FAVORITOLOGY:
*Season? Summer
*Holiday? Thanksgiving
*Day of the week? Tues/Wed (J's weekend)
*Month? anyone with warm weather
*Color? Black and Pink
*Drink? Coke

CURRENTOLOGY:
*Missing someone? my brother
*What are you listening to? 8.Simple.Rules on tv
*What are you watching? the computer screen
*Worrying about? surprisingly nothing!
*What's the last movie you saw? Edg.e of D.arkn.ess (really good)
*Do You Smile often? not as often as I should
*If you could change your eye color what would it be? more blue
*What's on your wish list for your birthday? a baby, of course ;)
*Can you do a chin up? doubtful
*Does the future make you more nervous or excited? both, nervous if I never have kids/excited at the thought of having kids
*Have you been in a Car wreck? yes, fender bender
*Have you caused a Car wreck? yes, fender bender
*Do you have an accent? more like a twain
*Last time you cried? 2 days ago
*Plans tonight? work =(
*Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? YEP
*Name 3 things you Bought yesterday? hair cut, dinner & a movie
*Met someone who changed your life? my hubby
*For the better or worse?? better!
*How did you bring in the New Year? Dinner with the hubs & friends, then comedy club
*Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Only to spend more time with my brother
*What songs do you sing in the shower? none
*Have you held hands with someone Today? No
*Who was the last person you took a picture of? J
*Are most of the friends in your life new or old? new in blogland/old IRL
*Do you like pulpy orange juice? Ugh! No
*Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? a couple weeks ago
*What were you doing 12 AM last night? sleeping
*What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? tired of this cold weather

Dr. Suess

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

The way we were

For the first four years of ttc & five years of unprotected sex, we were regulars in church, prayed everyday and read our bibles. Year after failed year, my faith began to decline, but it wasn't until after my brother's death and failed ivf that we slowly got out of church. I know that we need to be faithful again and that is going to be the only way to be happy but it's so hard when trial after tragedy keeps happening.

As a child I was raised in church, as was J. Anytime there was a major issue or burden I remember my dad would fast and pray for a complete day. I always wondered how he could go the whole day on only a few drinks of water. Now that I'm older and been through trials of my own I see it. At the beginning of our ttc I fervently prayed and asked God to please let me get pg and have a child. I prayed and prayed while my SIL's, friends(and everyone else) got pg.

The day of my brother's accident, I inadvertently fasted and prayed. I sat on the floor in the hallway of that hospital, sobbing uncontrollably and fearing the absolute worst. The doctor said that my brother had a less than 10% chance of survival before his surgery. Somehow he made it through the six-hour surgery, leg amputation and massive blood transfusion. They said he was losing blood faster than they could put it in.....He "survived" several hours afterwards. I say it that way because he was unconscious, on life support and had major brain damage. I prayed and prayed that He would spare my brother's life, but that was not the case.

When we did ivf, I was constantly praying that it would work. But, once again that was not the case. My baby was taken before I had the chance to know anything about it.

Last year when my mom got really sick I was too afraid to pray for her since the two last major prayer requests I had had were answered the opposite of how I was hoping for. I was scared that if I prayed for her to get better I would end up losing her. And just the thought of that was bad enough.

I really don't know how to get back into church. I never thought I/we would not be going. I know it is not going to be easy, but I think it needs to be done. I think my hardest part is my dad is the preacher. I think it would be easier to start going again if we were to find a new church to go to. But I'm torn on that because I know that would upset my parents, but they should just be happy that we are going again, even if it's not at their church, right?

My dad(among others) says that I have changed. I don't know how anyone can go through what I have gone through in the last few years and not change. I guess that my trials should be making me stronger and in some ways I think it has, but in others I feel defeated.

Why should I keep hoping, dreaming, praying and believing if all I'm going to get in return is failure.?.?.? .........Depleted, defeated failure.

How much more of our time and money should we waste on something that may never happen for us? I never thought it would be this way. And I don't know how to get back to how I was, not that that's even a possibility. How do I become a mother-less wife and not feel like a complete and utter failure? How do I feel un-broken? And how on earth will I ever be okay with being around pg girls, babies and children? How do I get back to feeling good? How? My answer to everyone of my questions is, I don't know. And honestly...........I don't know if I'll ever know!

...........

Period came. Not PG.
Don't know why I even bother anymore.

!!Painting!!

J and I are on our to go paint his uncle's office and rental
apartments!! Okay so I'm not overly ecstatic about it to be using
exclamation points, BUT, it's a paying job and I haven't had one of
those in a while!!!! It feels good to be contributing to our gross
income again, even if it's only a two-day job!!

Sent from my iPhone

Not My Intention....

First off I want to say I am very sorry if I offended anyone with my last post. That was not my intention at all. I was frustrated with my cousin's post, but more so with her in general. I did not mean for it to sound as though all teenage mom's are bad. I know that is not the case and I realize that if you have never been down the IF road you are less likely to be gentle with what you say on the subject. Please accept my sincere apology and know that I would never intentionally hurt any of you.

You will all be glad to know I took the high road and decided not to reply! I can almost guarantee she does not know my situation and seeing as we are not that close I thought it best to not divulge it all on fb.

Stupid cousin posting (vent)

She is actually my cousin's daughter. I was on fb and I knew she was
young but I was thinking maybe 20 or 21. Uh no! This is her post this
morning....
So tomorrow I turn 19. I never would have thought at age 19 I would
have been married for almost a year and have a baby. It's crazy!.....

NO! What's crazy is girls like her that can get KU so easily that they
take the miracle that it is for granted. And if that wasn't enough
then they post stupid crap like that on fb so all the IF girls can
feel even more shitty about themeselves. Grrr! It's not gonna be nice,
but I want to reply so badly. Remind me again why I shouldn't.

Hubby says to me, "Maybe you.......

Last night, we are sitting on the couch and hubby says to me, "Maybe
you are pregnant. I thought it last night when you said your boobs
were hurting and again this morning when you told me how nauseous you
had been, but I didn't want to say it."

Aww!

I said, for the last 6 years, we haven't gotten pregnant by not saying
it, so maybe we need to start saying it!

I really, really hope he is right! I still remember his face when I
told him the ivf didn't work. I hate disappointing him.

Nauseous after O!?!?

I did not sleep good last night, even with my extra kick of meletonin. Have any of you ever been really nauseated after O? I O'ed on CD19 and in four short days my boobs have grown increasinly tender & heavy feeling. Then last night, the nausea kicked in and boy oh boy, was I miserable. I am a stomach sleeper! If I can't sleep on my stomach, then my side. Well, laying on my stomach hurt my boobs to badly, so I rolled over on my side and hello nausea...I had to sleep on my back, Ugh! I do not sleep well on my back.

I had some coffee and a couple cookies for breakfast(I know not healthy). I am still nauseous! I guess maybe I produced extra estrogen this month, what with my ovaries hurting so much before O and now all this. I dunno, what else could it be?

I'm gonna take it easy today, mainly cause I don't have the energy to care! Other than that the snow is starting to melt, but still to cold and icey to do anything outside. I LOVE the snow, but I'm ready for my warm & sunny summer to arrive!!

Stealing the R.ose.an.ne theme song!

I love watching R.ose.ann.e especially when I'm feeling blue and blah.
I think it's imperative to surround yourself with people that are more
skrewed up than you are. ;) ;) Lol!

One good thing is the song playing when it first comes on.....And
since it's so fitting to my life I've decided it's going to be my new
IF themesong. Obviously, I watch the show A LOT, to know all the words
to the song.......

"What doesn't kill us is making us stronger. We're gonna last longer,
than that greatest wall in China or that rabbit with the drum. Yea
there's one thing that I learn, while waiting for MY turn, is that in
each life some rain falls but you also get some sun! And we'll make
ours better than okay, Hear what I say? Yeeaaahhh, every day!!"

Sent from my iPhone

And Snow it Begins in Texas.....again!

Abdominal Pain

I experienced some serious abdominal pains the last time hubs & I BD....It felt like my insides were going to explode. Has anyone ever had a pain like that before during intercourse? OUCH!!

The only thing I can come up with, is that since I was O'ing that maybe I produced extra large eggs and they were pushing all my other organs up into my stomach. Is that even possible? When I did IVF my ovaries were so huge(from all the stims) that it hurt to walk most days, but I haven't had stims in 2 years.?.?.? We need to BD again tomorrow, and I'm already fearing the pain. Ahh, I'm so confused.

Any advice will be great.....Thanks ladies!

Hockey-Puck, Rattlesnake, Monkey, Monkey Underpants!!

Have you ever watched Gil.more G.irls? I love that show! I used to
watch it all the time. It's crazy all of the inane conversation of
pure nonsense.....I mean who even talks like that?? It's crazy, but I
guess that's why I enjoy it so much! I'm addicted to CrAzY!!! ;) ;)

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Update from today's RE visit

It's been raining cats & dogs since last night and sure enough, still raining when I leave for my appt. So it normally takes me a hour to get to my RE's office(on dry roads). Today, I woke up late, so I left late but somehow made it in 45 mins!! Not exactly sure how that is even possible, sure I was speeding a little, but not that much. Plus, along with the down-pour there were also some mild issues of flooded areas. :< I was so NOT impressed. Any other Dr, I would have rescheduled my appt to a different, (dryer) day, but not my RE!

On to the appt details.......Basically, he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. :( Except the part where DH will have to do another SA, since it's been over 2 years. WAU-Waaaauuuuu I said, DH is going to be delighted to hear that, not! He did say that sometimes un-used meds are returned or the pharmacy donates meds and that he could offer me some of those to keep the cost down a little. Other than that, the only thing he said he would do differently, would be to stimulate my ovaries a little more so that I could produce a greater number of eggs.

So we have two options:

Door #1 is offering an IVF C for the rough estimate of $10,000(ten, ten, thousand, thousand, thousand, then the word dollars fading into the echo) All that is done with this option is, regular IVF w/ICSI and the possibility of freezing the leftovers should there be any of that quality.

not to be out done...

Door #2 offers an exciting, multi-faceting, more expensive option that lands us around $25,000(twenty-five what?!?!? the echo can't even fathom this amount) However, this option has more to offer, with 3 fresh cycles, and up to 3 FET's. AND, the most important factor of all, if no "live birth" has taken place after all C's, 80% of the cost is refunded! But, keep in mind, if pregnancy were to occur after the 1st C, you have then paid way more than door #2 was offering in the first place and you cannot use those other C's to TTC siblings.

Needless to say, DH & I have A LOT of talking, and discussing and probly some more talking to do. So those are my choices, What do you think? What would you do? What are the pro's & con's that you see with these 2 options?

RE Appt.

I'm going to see my RE tomorrow! I think it's weird that I am nervous.
I don't know what to expect, I am just hoping we get to move forward a
little faster.

It's been almost 2 years since we did IVF. I really hope we don't have
to wait another two years before we can try again(or rather afford
again). :[

Sent from my iPhone

Has anyone read this?

I bought it yesterday. It looks funny and insightful! I was wondering
if any of you ladies have read it before, and if so, what did you
think of it?

Free Fe.rt.ilAid.

1st to leave a comment will receive a one month supply for him & her.
I did break the safety seal on both bottles but never handled any of
the pills.

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random pictures & other stuff

The balloon/candy bouquet came from my sister and the bouquet of pink roses came from my SIL and her sister!!!




I was going to buy an eliptical but they were out of the one I wanted. My other SIL said she had one out in the garage she would give me! It's not the one I was going to buy, but I can settle....since its FREE!!! This one is more of a bike, but you can also stand and get more of the eliptical workout as well, or you can useit as the bike.

My mom bought me this awesome decanter set. Years ago, I had seen some glasses that sat on their edge to look as though it was falling over. So when I saw this I had to get it!!


Random pics of my dog - Izzy.....




Throw pillows I made for my guest room. I had an extra curtain panel so I figured, " why not make some pillows!"


My adorable niece & nephew!! (DH's sister's kids)



Our insta-family - J, me & our 2 nephews(my brother's boys)


2009 Christmas picture of J & I in front of the fireplace in our new home!

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Today, I turn 30!!!! =^)

I can say my list of "Accomplished Goals" is A LOT shorter than what I had hoped for.....Obviously, I would have loved to have already become a mother by now, or to at least be a mommy-to-be, however, that didn't seem to be in the cards(or at least not yet anyways). What I have acquired is an awesome, loving, hard-working husband that takes care of me in countless ways and he will always be here for me, regardless of, if I can bring our child into the world or not. I am very thankful and blessed to have him!! He's the BESTEST!! :)

30.........The age my mom was when she had me(her 4Th child). ;)

30.........The number of faithful blog followers I currently have!! Thank you ladies for always being there for me when I needed a computer to lean on. =)
You all have helped me more than you will ever know and I am so grateful to have "met" each of you!

30.........The age my oldest brother always said was when you became a true adult.-Provided you already had a Bun.n Coffee.maker and an American.Ex.press.Credit.Card. Hmm, well I guess 1 out of 3 is a start....I miss him so much! :'(

30.........The amount of additional months it is going to take to pay-off our last IVF C, if we keep paying the normal payment. UGH! We need to start sending extra money, each month. *sigh*

30.........Minute massage!!! Or, if I get cash for my birthday I'll spring for a hour long massage!! I was hoping to get one for Christmas, but since I didn't maybe I can get one for my b-day!!

And last, but certainly not least.....

30.........The number of days I am giving myself to miraciously become pregnant without IVF - A girl can dream, right!?!?!?!

Updates......

Where to start....Sorry if this gets a little confusing. I have so many different thoughts rolling around in my head lately. I will try to make this into more of a post and not have it be so random!

It's CD11, we haven't started taking the Fer.til.aid yet, and I'm starting to second guess whether or not we should. My RE has told me before that he thught it was a waste of money. Now I know what your thinking(I had the same thought myself), "I didn't waste any money, since I won it!" But still, I don't know if we will actually use it. If we don't wind up taking it, I will let ya know and send it to one of you ladies, if you are interested.

I'm going shopping with my mom today! Haven't been shopping in a while, that ought to be fun!! Plus, mom normally takes me to lunch too, so bonus!!!

Work, shmurk, I still haven't found a job, but surprisingly enough, we are making it ok. Not really sure how that is working, but hey, I can't complain. One thing we did do was consolidate all our credit cards, and Wow, what a difference! We had been paying $500/month on credit cards, and now our consolidated payment is under $200!!! That has helped out tremendously.

I talked to my RE the other day and apologized for not making it to the seminar the other night. I forgot how good I feel after talking to him. He has such a great sense of humor, but is still sensitive about the situation and oh so very sincere. I told him I feel like we are at a stand still...He asked if wanted to make an appt and kind of "re-group"? I of course said, yes, but told him we cannot do anything until we have paid off the last one. I also reminded him that we had to take out a personal loan for our IVF and stressed again, how we CANNOT take out another loan until that is paid. He said he knows and then tells me to call the office and make an appt to come in and talk to him and he will do what he can. I asked J what he thought about it, and we agreed that he doesn't seem to be only trying to get a co-pay out of us or waste our time, but rather it seems as though he truly cares and wants to help....So I will be calling this week to get an appointment. I don't know what all of this means, but I'm very interested in finding out!

We went to church yesterday. There was a guest speaker and he said something that just kinda stuck so I thought I would share it with all of you! "It is harder to let go of something when you think it is yours, than it is when you think it is someone else's."

Ok! That's all I got for now.....Hope everyone has a great week!!