~lots of items up for discussion~

• Applying for grant money...kind of nervously, excited!?! I heard about these different grants on R.eso.lv.e's website and thought, why not. So here I go, having no clue how to apply for a grant. Never been good at writing SA's(not seman analysis in this case...hehe), but maybe with a little(ok a lot) of help from my sister I can get this done. I asked said sister and my brother if they would write letters of reccomendation on our befalf, but when I looked through the necessary info they don't ask for anything like that. Allthough, they don't say you can't submit it either, so I think I will..It couldn't hurt, right?

• Is anyone else a fountain drink snob, like me? Ok, I am NOT talking about water fountains. I mean, a fountain Co.k.e, like what you get at restaurants, gas stations, etc. I do not like it out of a can or the 20 oz. bottle and it doesn't taste the same if I buy a 2-liter and pour it over ice at the house. It has to be fresh....I blame MIL & SIL for this, I never use to be this way until they introduced me to it, now it's the only way!! I know that makes me a drink snob, but so be it! =)

• I almost got an early b-day present the other day.....We went and looked at used cars, er a Merc.ede.s.Be.nz to be exact!! I heart my truck, but the payment is almost $500/month and with the cost of diesel and maintaining it we really can't afford it anymore. It was really nice!! I never thought about mb before, mainly cause I never thought we could afford one, but the used one's have decent rates. Didn't know it til' we got home, but hubs said if they would've offered him more for the truck he would have traded it in. Aah man, maybe next time.

• Friday, I had another CT done. This time of my abdomen and pelvic...hopefully my doc will call tomorrow with the results. I really hope it's nothing bad...sorta nervous about it.

• Alrighty, that's all for now....just logged in to work another shift and calls are coming in too quickly now to blog. Whatever happened to people having a lazy Sunday afternoon{with no calls}?!? Oh well, life of a customer service rep, I guess. =(

Good Luck Chuck!

On the hunt for a job, again! Part-time, full-time....gotta find something! Geez, I hate this barely scraping by feeling. We have already sold everything, and I do mean everything we can possibly sell to help out, but it's just not helping enough. We get our bills paid each month, but seriously, it is so close that I'm not sure how much longer it will last. =(

I pulled up our local newspaper classifieds online today and thought, if it's meant to be there will be something that I am qualified for(hard to find since I never really went to college), close by, and possibly part-time so I can still work my at-home business. And whataya know there is an opening at a rehab place not three miles from my house. I am going there first thing in the morning to appy. There is also a full-time, front desk position(usually means dr's office) in the next town, approx 12 minutes from me, fifteen, if I catch every red light. Hopefully, I can get one of the them, fingers crossed.*


*I was going to title this "fingers crossed" but decided that would probably give the wrong impression*

dr appt update

So I had my long over-due appt this morning with the urologist for the pain in my side. He said he couldn't rule out Diverticulum(sp?) but he didn't think that was it. He did an exam there at the office and said everything was normal. He wants to repeat the cat scan(since the last one was done almost 6 months ago) and also schedule me for dye test to check my bladder and kidneys.

He asked if I had still been getting the UTI's like before and what we did then? I haven't had a UTI in a while, but told him he did the "horrific scope test" on me and that I wanted to hurt him afterwards. He chuckled and said, well then we'll do the dye test and that way you are under anestesia and can be more comfortable. *Whew* I also told him that on Thanksgiving I had blood in my urine really bad and thought I was getting an infection, but never did. He seemed concerned about that and said anytime anyone can actually see blood in their urine they need to have an x-ray of the kidneys.....

I also told him that when the pain started up again this time that I called my dr to see if I needed to come in and that they had just told me to wait on this appt.....he didn't say anything, but his look confirmed what I thought of how poor work ethic that was for my dr's office to tell me that. Anyways, he said if I ever see blood in my urine again then to call him right away and just bypass my physician.

So now I wait on nurse lady to call with my scheduled tests.....At least pee-pee dr seems to care and wants to help figure out what's going on, that's more than I can say about the other doc.

Hurry! I need advice before my appt.

Pee-Pee Dr appt in a couple of hours and I'm freaking out a bit. A bit, hmm, that's an understatement. Ok freak out part....I'm worried he'll do that scope test again. And since I know how it feels, I'm freaking myself out. Should I take something before I go? And if so, WHAT?? Last time I went to this doc I thought I would just be having an office visit and was not prepared for the horrific scope test. Of course it was mostly horrific because doc said, "oh it's not bad at all." when I asked if I needed to take anything for it or if they were going to give me anything. Let me tell you it was unpleasant and extremely painful.

I thought maybe 800mg of Ad.vil or something but J took our only bottle with him to work. I really only have da.rvoc.et or hyd.roco.done. Don't really know if I should be on narcotics while driving. I dunno, what do you ladies think?

Show & Tell

The inspiration behind all of this:

I saw this bag at my Mamaw's a few weeks ago and told my mom it would make the perfect knitting bag. She said, my mamaw had made it a long time ago{and gave my mom one as well} and if I wanted it, I could have it. I told mom, I didn't even know how to knit, but she said to take it if I liked it, so I did!

I went to Hobb.yLo.bby yesterday and decided I was going to buy a book and teach myself to knit. They had this kit which includes everything a beginner needs, for $10.99, but since I'm a coupon shopper I got it for only $4.99!! Then, I picked up some black yarn{mainly cause I wanted a black scarf and figured that would be an easy, first-timer project} but now I'm seeing some mistakes so this will probably not be the last scarf I make.

And, my progress as of this morning! Now, sure it doesn't look like much right now, but the key word is PROGRESS. I taught myself how to knit!!!! I'm so proud of myself right now!!!! Who says you have to have children to be a granny?? I can knit and I wear little eye glasses - sounds like a granny to me. But I STILL want to have children. ;)

Pain in my side, literally

Remember a few months back I said something about having sharp pains in the lower right side of my abdomen? NO?? Well, I did, er I do.

I went to see dr md and he sent me for a CT..…he didn't think it was my appendix, but he didn't know what it was either. My CT showed "density around my uretha", whatever that is, so dr md wanted me to see a urologist{pee-pee dr}. I called and scheduled an appt but then the pains went away. I started my new job and by the time my appt came around I cancelled it cause it hadn't been hurting and I figured why waste copay money and not-working-so-I-can-go-to-dr, money for something that's not even hurting. So I didn't go.

About three weeks ago the sharp pains were back. And this time, with a vengeance. That was around the same time Mamaw was sick and in the hospital and nursing home and I figured I had enough to deal with. I tried not to think about which worked pretty well until I'd get a blinding pain that would stop me dead in my tracks. The pain was changing from sharp, every once in a while, stabbing pains to constant, dull, achy pains with the occasional sharp pain thrown in for kicks(I guess)...but this was when Mamaw was getting worse and I was not going to be in the hospital and away from her at this time. So again, I tried not to think about it....didn't work too well.

I decided to call and re-schedule my appt with the pee-pee dr. Turns out, I haven't been there in a few years so now I'm considered a new patient and have to wait a month for my appt. While waiting on said appt I've figured out a few things that trigger increased pain.
•pressure on my stomach
•caffiene
•bending over
•sudden movement(the occasional)

The wait is over, well sorta. My appt with pee-pee dr is Monday, but it's occurred to me that I still might not know what's causing my pain come Monday. I mean, my pee-pee doesn't hurt and that's the kinda dr I'm seeing so what's he gonna say about my abdomen pain? I just don't see how "density around my uretha" could cause pain six inches northwest of that region, but whatever.

And I really hope "density around my uretha" isn't anything serious. But whatever it all is, it better not be diagnosed as 'stress & anxiety' or I swear I'm gonna hit pee-pee dr upside his head. Cause I can guarantee this pain is not in my head. It hurts. I'm tired of it hurting AND I know, J is tired of hearing me complain about it hurting.

sucks a$$

excuse my french, but that's how i feel lately about everything. i'm depressed about money{or rather the lack of}. everytime i walk past my living room window i'm reminded of what i don't have{kids} and that depresses me. i'm depressed about losing my mamaw. i feel like infertility is winning the race and i have no more fight in me and that depresses me.

all i want to do is sleep. i don't have any interest in going anywhere or seeing anyone. i just want to sleep and cry and sleep some more.

and that my friends, makes me know for certain that i am depressed.

free groceries

Saturday, my mom and I went to my Mamaw's house and cleared all the food out from the pantry, fridge and freezer.....

My parents tried to give it to my cousin who has been out of work, but he didn't seem interested so I loaded it all up and brought it back to my house.

Here's the loot:

and

and

and


and

So all together...

And for the 1st time in seven years of marriage.....A FULL pantry!!!

....

**I cannot THANK-YOU enough for the overwhelming amount of support, prayers, hugs, comments, and just overall kindness you ladies have shown me in the past few weeks regarding my Mamaw. Your concern for me has not gone unnoticed and I thank-you from the bottom of my heart!**

The funeral was Thursday and oh what a day..... Lots of emotions, as I realized I no longer have any living grand-parents. IF we ever have children, they'll never get to meet my grandparents....Very sad day, er week. Not to mention, the funeral was at the same place my brother's funeral was at and it was really hard being there. Hard and COLD. The temperature that morning was a blistering 27 with a wind chill of 21 degrees. That is burr-rabbits, cold for Texas.

Le Family is driving me insane....Let me clarify, not my immediate family, but the outer parts that make up the whole. ie, cousins, aunts, uncles etc... Ugh! A death in the family is hard enough, but then you add in all the family drama and I swear it's utterly ridiculous the things that come up. One of my cousins refused to come to the funeral, since his dad was there, an uncle publicly insulted me everytime he saw me{another post}. An aunt got rude with me over plants from the funeral. Gheesh, grow up people... I told J I am leaving my family and cleaving to his.

I am trying hard not to drone on about all things sad today, but don't really have anything great happening right now, hence the gap in my blog postings. I do want to share a conversation I had with my dad on Christmas Eve, but that's a post for another day.

sad day

Please pray for my family as my Mamaw has now passed away and is gone on to heaven, at least she isn't sufferring anymore. It happened this morning....I'm headed that way now.

At my Mamaw's house right now. She's really going down hill fast, bless her heart. My RN sister flew in this am and her and hospice are now caring for her. I'd be surprised if she makes it through the night. {I hope I'm wrong}.

Thanks for all the prayers! I can always count on you ladies. ;)

Mamaw update and family vent

*Saturday - 1.1.11
Right now I'm sitting at her bedside at the nursing home....she's not doing good. She keeps calling out for mamma and daddy. I tell her they're ok and she just looks at me like, who are you. It's so sad watching her go through this.

My aunt was here when I got here at 4:45 and she had been here all day. So after some convincing I talked her into going and taking a break and to get herself something to eat.

I stayed for a hour or so after but it's breaking my heart watching her go through this.

*Monday - 1.3.11
I'm here with my Mamaw again. Both my aunts are here and it's really hard to watch them watch her.

My family is really ticking me off with my whole Mamaw situation. With the exception of my immediate family and approx 3 other family members no one else seems to care and it's taking everything I have not to call and cuss everyone of them. Maybe I'm just being more of a realist but I honestly don't see a recovery happening. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a horrible person....I just hate to see her suffer this way. And the majority of the family seems to care less.

But then again, why should I expect anything else from them? After all, this is my family, who only gets together when there is a funeral. And, even at that I have one uncle who wouldn't come to his nieces funeral because he was in a feud with his brother. Makes me sick. And then the family wonders why I'm not a big bowl of cherries when I do see them. Seriously?

Okay, thanks for letting me get that off my chest and thanks for keeping her in your prayers!

Hugs & Hearts