Ho hum and away my mind goes

Oh stupid mother nature and your crappy mind games.....why do you insist on screwing with my mind?!
After six years of TTC one would think all this was behind me, but noooooo. For some reason you think it's still fun to get my hopes up for what always turns out to be nothing. And, to mess with me at this time of the year is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, WRONG!

Maybe I should give you some insight to my current C of torchure....As you know we have never used any form of birth control and I am silently hoping and praying for miracles to happen with every month and C that comes along. Well my last C was about two and a half weeks ago and it was pretty normal. Light flow on day 1 and 4 and medium flow on days 2 and 3. Then, the day before thanksgiving I woke up with an awful UTI. It was different than the ones I usually get, unfortunantly UTI's frequent my body, but this onewas different. It felt as though my uterus or maybe it was my bladder felt heavy but not like I had a full bladder that's why I think it was my uterus. Anyway I went to the rr and there was so much blood in my urine that for a second, I thought I had started my period. Then I remembered I just had one two weeks ago and that this must just be a doozy of a UTI. Sure enough, it was painful. I took a darvocet and was still in pain. Now I know what you're thinking and yes I should've gone to the dr or at least called but it was the day before thanksgiving and quite frankly I knew we didn't have money for the copay or Rx so I didn't call the doc. Oddly enough the UTI went away fairly quickly with no more blood and for a few days after I thought I might be getting a YI but that didn't happen either. Thank goodness! I didn't think too much about it since I frequently get UTI's, but then I started thinking of my other 'symptoms'. I normally drink a cup of coffee in the morning but then have to pee like a mad woman after only one cup?! A little odd but whatever. The biggest factor in making me think things is the amount of sleepy that I have been lately. If I even so much as sit down in the middle of the day or any part of the day for that matter and I am out like a light. I am so tired, even if I go to bed early it doesn't help. In fact the other day I took a nap from 4-5 and at seven I was ready for bed.

You add all these things together and what do you get? You get me thinking, could I be? Should I test? Could I really be? I'm gonna buy a test. Wait, no I can't do that to myself...what if I'm not? But what if I am?

*sigh*

Test or no test? .....What do you ladies think?

Sent from Jenn's iPhone
http://tryingtomakeourdreamreality.blogspot.com/

Gobble - Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving!! Hope you all have a blessed day!

Hugs & Hearts,

^J^

Sent from my iPhone

two words

WOW! Over a week since my last post. Sorry bout' that.....Just when I thought I was starting to get better from that funk I was in, my phone rang and I heard two little words that sent me reeling into a new type of agony....

Two words that I've waited my whole life to hear.

Two simple words, that I {now}wonder if I'll ever hear again.

Two words that can devastate an IF'tile.....but is taken for granted otherwise.

Two words, short and sweet.

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"Hi Mom"

Six. 8 if I'm lucky

Hola!

This is going to be a quick bullet posting.

• Work is going good, but slow. I only have 15 hours scheduled for this week with not much promise of attaining more hours. Next week is even worse, with only seven hours scheduled. Think I'm gonna have to look for something else.

• Christmas shopping is half way done! It will be a huge relief when I'm fully done. And on that Christmas note, I am so ready to put up my Christmas tree and decor. Hubs wants me to wait til' the day after Thanksgiving and since that's only two weeks away, I guess I can wait. Maybe. I just love this time of year!

• I feel like I'm getting sick. That's what I dislike about the weather changes. I always feel sick, on and off, for a couple of weeks and then it kicks in with full on vengence. Ugh!

• Oh, the title. You're probably wondering, "what the heck?!?" Well, that's "our number." We are going to stop TTC when I am thirty-six{and hubs is 38}, maybe 38{hubs 40} if I'm lucky. The way we came up with this age is, hubs said we need to make sure the kid would be graduated and out of college{if he/she wanted to go to college} and hopefully working by the time we are retiring. There ya have it....our formula for life, no more dependants after retirement. So uterus, if you're listening/taking notes, we only have 6-8 more years..now's your time to shine and make me proud!!

• I feel a hot bath calling me. I need the relaxation and mental therapy from a nice, long soaking. .....I hear our cat calling, he must need some milk. I'll try to post a photo, if I can get one{he's an outside cat and very timid}.

Ta-Ta for now......5 more crappy days until the weekend!!

~shaking my pointer finger at myself~

I have been one bad blogger lately! But truth be told, I have been in a really bad place and didn't want to corrupt all of you beautiful and wonderful ladies!

Did I tell you I had to call my RE and tell them to give my drugs to someone else? Well, I did a few weeks ago. And while it was one of the worst calls I'd ever made I thought I was doing okay, considering.

Days came and went and I felt myself becoming more and more depressed....Hubs, and I talked briefly the other day about how we don't want to be nearing our fifties when we finally get PG and I said, "At some point, we are actually going to have to pick an age that we will stop TTC, so we are not THAT couple."....Of course, we have had that talk before, but then I start to cry and hubby doesn't really want to talk about it, cause he sees how upsetting it is and we never pick "a number".

Then I did it, I tipped myself over the edge and watched the new Kathe.rine.Hei.gl.e movie....which by the way if you haven't seen it, take a box of tissues with you. It's not quite the funny haha chick flick I thought it would be, but rather an emotional, you're gonna cry type of chick flick. Anyway, the movie is really good and it is funny, but for me it was also hard to watch.

Whenever I watch movies I try to apply it to my life..."could this happen to me" sorta thing.....And yes, as a matter of fact it "could." ....J and I are god parents to seven of our nieces and nephews, but in order for us to have a child, that way, we would have to lose 2 siblings(J's sister and her husband or J's brother and his wife)....which then got me thinking, I don't want to lose anymore family and I definitely don't want J to know what it feels like to lose a sibling, nor J's mom to know how it feels to lose a child...and then I feel bad cause how selfish am I to want something so bad, if it's only going to cause so much pain for everyone else? {{{and, here come the tears}}} Wouldn't it be better if there was only 1 person in pain than say 2 complete families?!?

That's why I have been MIA lately.....I think of you ladies often and hope all of you are well. But it's been really hard for me right now and I don't want to discourage any of you. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

Hugs & Hearts, J

Stupid technology!

I love it when it's doing it's job and working properly, but when it stops working....that's when I start refering to it as stooopid. Grr! As you might have guessed, my internet is down. Which really sucks now that my job depends on me being online. I spent over a hour yesterday, on the phone with my ISP, running line tests, and doing all sorts of other troubleshooting tips, that never worked. I have now been with no internet since Sunday night. Veri.zon finally said, they will send a tech out on Wednesday to investigate the problem. Actually, I have internet, but my DSL is out and let me tell you, when your used to DSL and Wifi, nothing else will do. :( Our iPhon.es uae to pick up the Wifi and now they are so slloooowwww.

Since I can't work, I cleaned house yesterday and today I'm having lunch with my SIL{the one that was married to my brother that died}. The guy she's been seeing just got a job down here so I guess he's moving in with her. I should get all the details at lunch. Her and I have really become close, since losing my brother....I hope it doesn't get weird between us now.

As for the talk of Chicago...it continues. So much so, that we are now receiving listings from a realtor! I am so shocked that I am actually intrigued by this different lifestyle. And yes Katie, I've thought about the snow...the cold...and the WIND. I literally hate winter and I think that's what surprises me the most, that I'm looking forward to a possible move to a very cold, snowy and WINDY city!?!?