~shaking my pointer finger at myself~

I have been one bad blogger lately! But truth be told, I have been in a really bad place and didn't want to corrupt all of you beautiful and wonderful ladies!

Did I tell you I had to call my RE and tell them to give my drugs to someone else? Well, I did a few weeks ago. And while it was one of the worst calls I'd ever made I thought I was doing okay, considering.

Days came and went and I felt myself becoming more and more depressed....Hubs, and I talked briefly the other day about how we don't want to be nearing our fifties when we finally get PG and I said, "At some point, we are actually going to have to pick an age that we will stop TTC, so we are not THAT couple."....Of course, we have had that talk before, but then I start to cry and hubby doesn't really want to talk about it, cause he sees how upsetting it is and we never pick "a number".

Then I did it, I tipped myself over the edge and watched the new Kathe.rine.Hei.gl.e movie....which by the way if you haven't seen it, take a box of tissues with you. It's not quite the funny haha chick flick I thought it would be, but rather an emotional, you're gonna cry type of chick flick. Anyway, the movie is really good and it is funny, but for me it was also hard to watch.

Whenever I watch movies I try to apply it to my life..."could this happen to me" sorta thing.....And yes, as a matter of fact it "could." ....J and I are god parents to seven of our nieces and nephews, but in order for us to have a child, that way, we would have to lose 2 siblings(J's sister and her husband or J's brother and his wife)....which then got me thinking, I don't want to lose anymore family and I definitely don't want J to know what it feels like to lose a sibling, nor J's mom to know how it feels to lose a child...and then I feel bad cause how selfish am I to want something so bad, if it's only going to cause so much pain for everyone else? {{{and, here come the tears}}} Wouldn't it be better if there was only 1 person in pain than say 2 complete families?!?

That's why I have been MIA lately.....I think of you ladies often and hope all of you are well. But it's been really hard for me right now and I don't want to discourage any of you. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

Hugs & Hearts, J