I don't know where else to go....

I guess it's only natural for me to come back {HERE} to something so familiar. I feel incredibly lost right now, like I'm just going through the motions. Only, I don't really know what the right motions are for learning to live a life so unexpected. I'm gonna be honest. I use to read through the blogs and wonder which of us ladies would get to become mothers and which of us would be forced to live child free? Not once did I ever feel like I would be on the forced side of a child free home. I always believed it would happen for me.

 I see the looks on my parent's faces.....it literally breaks my heart. I was holding my precious lil' niece today and I looked up and saw my dad watching me with her and he just looked so sad. My sister told me that he is devasted by all of this and doesn't understand how it's easy for others to get PG and so impossible for J and I.

I thought losing my brother the way we did would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to go through. However, this is starting to run a close second and may even become a tie, if not win. How can you miss something you never had? I know I need to move on and try to find something that I can enjoy, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to figure out what that might be. All my life, I only ever wanted to be a mommy. I have never been able to find anything else that I thought would be more enjoyable & rewarding.

Where do I go from here?

An end of an {almost} era

I've been contemplating a FB group message or a blog post... I know I've stopped blogging & I'm not real sure who,  if anyone, still blogs? Therefore, I don't know if anyone will read this?  I know everyone is sure to see it in a FB message, but for some reason I feel more comfortable pouring my heart out here. 

What I'm about to tell you is not easy for me to say. That's probably why I've debated posting anything at all...

Where do I begin? Remember last September when we did that IUI, that did work, but ended with a m/c? Well, before we did that one we had decided that we were going to try two more IUI's and then we were going to stop all IF treatments{never thinking it would end this way}. So the first one ended sadly with the m/c at the end of last year, then we did our 2nd & final IUI last month....It did not work.  And well, I don't have to tell you, but these last two weeks have been extremely difficult for me. 

It's so much more than, "It didn't work." It goes beyond that in every way possible. There is no more hope. I'm not going to be a mommy. There will never be any crying babies to sooth, no love, hugs & kisses, no first steps or first words, no scraped knees to band-aid, no teaching my kiddo's how to ride a bike, no first day of school jitters...nothing. And, if I'm not a mother, than I won't ever be a mamaw, so no grandchildren either...

I don't know how to do this. How am I supposed live child free and be okay with it? Will this pain go away? Will I be bitter the rest of my life or will I eventually learn to live without children? The questions are endless. I'm not sure what else to say...

My heart is broken....

I leave you with this....

Meditation

by

Ellen.Degeneres

Let's begin by getting in a comfortable position.

Sit or lie down and close your eyes.

Or if you're driving, keep your eyes open & fast forward through this chapter.

Now breathe in through your nose. Mmmmm. Doesn't that smell nice, hopefully?

Now exhale through your mouth.

If you're on a crowded bus, apologize to the person whose

Face you just blew in. Quietly say, "I'm sorry I just blew in your face."

And relax.

Feel your breath moving through your body.

We're inhaling energy. And we're exhaling stress.

Breathe in positivity and light. Breathe out negative thoughts like traffic...

Or flight delays...or bad service at a restaurant...or frustration with your boss...or a fight with your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend...or money woes...or getting your car towed... or Losing at Scrabble... or getting left at the altar... or finding out about a wheat allergy... or having one of your favorite socks stolen out of the dryer... or depression.

Don't dwell on any of those thoughts that I mentioned.

Say good-bye negative thoughts. We'll see you another time.

Now relax your mind.

You're in a meadow. A beautiful meadow with bright green blades of grass and no ticks. It's peaceful and quiet. Listen to the wind blow across the meadow.

Do you hear it? That was an airplane. Listen closer. Listen to the leaves rustle and the snakes slither. No, not snakes. There are no snakes in this meadow.

I shouldn't have said snakes.

Slow down your mind. Slower. Think about how slow you have to drive when there's someone on a bicycle in front of you in the middle of your lane. Are you annoyed? Don't be. Today it's not annoying. Today it's peaceful.

Start to float above the meadow. Whoa. Look at that.

You're floating. Are you scared of heights? Don't think about that.

Picture your wallet falling out of your pocket. You don't care. Let your wallet go.

A stranger picked it up, took the money out, and left the wallet behind. Let it go.

You didn't need that money. You're floating peacefully above the meadow.

As it turns out, there was a tick but it didn't bite you.

So you're breathing out relief. Feel the energy around you.

Now you're floating above water. There's a creek in the meadow. Or it might be a brook. You don't know the difference, maybe there isn't one. You don't care.

Just picture the creek-brook. It's a winding path piercing the meadow.

The sun bouncing off the rocks.

Don't think about how dangerous it would be to slip on them.

As you approach the water you see a bridge. It's a bridge that leads to happiness.

To the left of the bridge is a cape. Not a cape like a piece of land, an actual cape like a superhero would have. Put on the cape. Now you have magical powers.

You can do anything you want in this cape, except fly.

As you get closer you realize the whole bridge is made out of dark chocolate.

It's unsafe to walk on but so delicious to eat.

Carefully cross the bridge to happiness. Don't let anyone take your cape. It's yours. People will try and take your cape out of jealousy, but don't let them.

On the other side of the bridge, they're showing classic reruns of The Love Boat.

Happiness is yours once you cross the dark chocolate bridge in your cape.

Be careful and good luck.

Rookie Mistake

I cannot believe I fooled myself into believing I might be PG. What was I thinking??

*sigh*

Why did I do it then?

Well, let me explain....

Months ago, my SIL's sis bought this ginormous box to tampons for her impending period. She then found out she was PG(now has a beautiful 4 1/2 month old) and no longer needed them. She gave the box to SIL who was wanting to get PG and bam! preggers she became. The box was then dubbed, "the magic box of tampons!" Sadly, SIL had a m/c, so she kept "the magic box." She waited a month and tried again, success! She's due in July! SIL gave me "the magic box of tampons!" and wished me luck. Now, I know that it takes more than a "magic box of tampons!" to get KU, but for some crazy, unknown reason I chose to believe. While my Peri.odT.racker app indicated I was two days late, I really can't go by that too much, since my cycles aren't always regular, but I was in possession of "the magic box of tampons!" so I let myself believe....

Well, I'm not PG. AF came last night. But, after recently watching the Fa.cing.the.G.ian.ts movie, I've gained a new perspective and I'm determined to change my outlook on this whole IF journey.

There you have it...

Who says you can't make rookie mistakes when you're an almost nine year vet?

Have you seen this?

I watched this movie the other day for the first time. It was really good, given that the actors aren't Hollywood actors. And something I didn't know about this movie, it's not just about football, IF plays a major roll in it! It ended the way I figured it would, but oddly enough, it made sense & I think I might've even learned a thing or two about how to react when life doesn't go my way.

one last song....

From the very first time I heard this song, I couldn't help but think of my IF journey. The song starts with, "When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach..." Oh my goodness! Isn't that the truth?!?! When I was a little girl, I never once thought I would have any problems getting PG. It's just supposed to happen, right? I wish it were that easy... The song ends with, "she knows the sun was set to rise and so she closes her eyes and dreams of paradise." Anyways, just wanted to share a lil' bit with you.....hope you enjoy it! ; )

So very true....

I think I can check off 95% of these!

Ha!

They do go hand in hand!

Thanks for everything!

I mean it, girls!! Don't know where I would have ended up(emotionally) if it weren't for all of you! I found you when I needed you the most and I am so happy that I did!! Pretty sure hubs' was happy I found y'all too, as it was a lot less, IF obsessiveness he had to hear about. ;) But seriously, I didn't want to close up this blog without telling you how much I appreciate each and everyone of my followers! You are all special to me, some in the same way, some in different ways, but ALL in good ways!! I know I will always feel a unique bond with you!

I will continue to keep track of your blogs & still comment from time to time. I never want to lose track of the friends that I've become so close with! I hope that you will look me up on Fb and Pint.ere.st if we are not already friends on those sites. And not just to be a another friend but to also, and most importantly, stay connected!

You ladies mean the world to me and I hope to meet you IRL one day so I can tell you in person how glad I am to have you in my life! How you've helped me and are still helping me through one of the most difficult journeys of my life. You've helped me see IF things from multiple points of view, different situations, backgrounds and lifestyles. Thank you for everything you've done to help me... Whether it was to cheer me on, let me vent and fuss, cheer me up or all of the above, THANK-YOU!!!

I'm a better person because of you!!

What.She's.Doin'.Now....

Nope, the answer is not, singing backup for Garth.Brooks. =) ...sorry to disappoint!

I have become a Herb.alife distributor! Not only do I sell the products, I've also teamed up with Onl.ineBusi.nessSy.stems to build my own business!! If you're friends with me on Fb, I'm sure you've seen the clips I've started posting. Don't be afraid to check them out! And feel free to share them too, if you like. ;)

I'm only working 2-3 hours/day (Mon-Fri) and I have already made money!!!

If you're interested in firing your boss & working your own hours from ANYWHERE you have internet and a phone!! For more info ---> Click Here
If you're ready to lose that weight & keep it off, OR increase your energy level!! For more info ---> Click Here

Oh, by the way...The good thing with this business is, you DO NOT have to go door-to-door knocking, do any cold-calling, or depend upon your friends & family. People come to you, already interested!!!

I'm just coming to you as a "freebie"......cause that's how I roll! : }

HerbaLife

I've recently become a Herb.ali.fe distributor! If you're interested in weight loss/gain, increased energy, or just overall health... Come visit my site and learn what healthy benefits await for you with Herb.ali.fe!!

Click here to go to my page!

Calling it quits at 500

This is my 494th post and I've decided to close up shop, er blog, at post 500. At my current rate of blogging, this could be a couple months from now or next week if I keep getting news like I have been recently... In the past three days, I've found out that two family members are pregnant and due within two months of each other. Can we say back to back baby showers? UGH!

I'm so tired of this hatred & jealousy...

Well, happy, freakin' infertile. valentines day to me!

Busy bee

Just wanted to pop in and say HELLO = )
Lately, It feels as though, I''ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off! Busy with work, busy with life & family and most recently, busy becoming a Her.ba.lif.e distributor. The goal is to (hopefully) quit my current at-home job when the new job takes off. I hope it's soon! I'm ready to get back to a less busy schedule and have some "me time" again!

I'm kidding....mostly!

For all the non-IF, PG, ladies I see!

Anything but...

I need a new post, but can't come up with anything that I like. How sad is that? Hmm, maybe you shouldn't answer that... I've been checking the blogs a lot more in the last few weeks, only problem is, it seems as though a lot of you have stopped blogging, or maybe you went on blog-vacation & I missed the memo. In any event, I feel as though, I have become your stalker, always checking back to see... "Has she posted again & I missed it?" ..."Maybe blo.gg.er is acting up again & didn't update my blog reel?" Or maybe, {and I hope this isn't the case} "Did she go private & just doesn't want me following(probably because I've been a little stalker lately) so she neglected to tell me and therefore I can no longer stalk her?"

Instead of me continuing my stalker-like habits, let's try something new! Shall we?? How's about you comment below & let me know if you're still alive & or blogging anymore? Alrighty, now if I don't get a comment from you, I'll be forced to imagine the worst. You don't want to make me do that...Or, do you?!?!? Just kidding, but all joking aside, I would like to know, how you are and what's new with you?

More prayers for my family, please

2011 was fairly rough on my family. We lost my mamaw the first of the year, my sister had a seizure{they never figured out why & she still hasn't been cleared to drive}, me with my m/c and then my uncle died at the end of the year. A couple of weeks ago, my cousin had a m/c and I think think had to remove one of her ovaries. Then, we found out yesterday, that my aunt was justdiagnosed with stage 2 breast.cancer. Please pray for her, she is the one that just lost her husband(well technically it was her ex-husband{my uncle}) a couple of months ago. Also, please continue to pray for my sister, she continues to have problems with her shoulder & is wearing a brace on her arm. They are hoping the brace will heal it, if not, she will have to have surgery.

Thank you all so much for your prayers!

I really don't want 2012 to be like last year! Can't take all this bad news anymore...

Motherhood-Role play

Before J and I got married I watched my nephew while his parents(my brother & SIL, who I'll call K) were at work. Actually, it all started when he was born. I was living at home with my parents and my brother and K lived in their own house, but were still on the same property as us. My brother was working nights at the time and so K slept at our house with the baby. K was on one couch, I would sleep on the other and my nephew slept in his pack n' play. Night time feedings went a little something like this...baby wakes up and I get up with him, start making his bottle, since K's milk hadn't really come in yet. While the frozen breast milk is warming, I wake up K. She starts pumping for a short time, again, milk's not really there so it didn't take long and she'd be done pumping and back to sleep she went. In the meantime, I'd feed and burp nephew and change him, if needed, and get him back to sleep. Then I'd go back to sleep until he woke again and we'd, ahem, I'd do it all over again!

This went on for the first couple of weeks, at least. Since they lived so close I saw him everyday and cared for him day in and day out. Of course I didn't mind at all and was extremely happy to take care of him. We were really close! I could get him to stop crying, eat, go to sleep, etc...anything a regular mom could do. When K went back to work he stayed with me. This went on for a couple of years. Included in this time was when my mom was having severe back problems. I did it all then, taking complete care of my mom and nephew. I did the laundry, cooked, went to the grocery store and took my mom back and forth to the chiropractor three times a week, because she couldn't drive....all with baby in tow. And everywhere we went people thought he was my baby, I heard it so often that I didn't even correct people anymore. Even when I was out shopping with K(his own mother) they would still say "your son" to me. Oddly enough, K never seemed to care. Looking back, I don't think I really knew what kind of attachment was forming...as far as I was concerned, I was the luckiest aunt in the world, being able to spend so much time with my nephew.

If my brother was working nearby, he'd come over on his lunch break( or whenever he could) to see his kiddo! K on the other hand would drop him off on her way to work and come get him whenever. Sometimes, she'd even get off work early and go home to take a nap or go shopping and run errands before she'd come get him. Again, I didn't mind so much because that was more time that I had to hang out with him, but I never understood how K could leave him for such long periods of time and not miss him like crazy. It got to the point that when K came to get him, that he would start crying and cling to me, she would have to pry him off of me just to leave. That broke my heart. Still brings a tear to my eye... Sometimes he would fuss for me a little when my brother picked him up, but it didnt last long and never was it the severity as when K picked him up.

By the time his brother came along, J and I had just started dating. They didn't live as close this time and my brother was working a normal shift by then and there were no night time feedings that I took care of. Plus, I think my brother(and maybe K) realized what happened with their first and tried to change things this time around... But, I did watch both nephews once she went back to work again. The bond with my second nephew was strong too, but still different than with my first nephew. ...my dad truly believes and tells me(although, he'd never admit this to K) that I was his mom for the first two and a half years of his life...and I sorta was!

I used to think I shared those experiences with him and played the role as his mother, because God knew it would help prepare me for my real motherhood role, but now, eight years into IF, I can't help but wonder, sometimes, if all those "motherhood experiences" were because God knew I'd never be a mother. *sigh*
I think, nope, scratch that....I'm hoping this is just the m/c talking and that I really will get, not just another "role" at motherhood, but rather, a full-time, full-on, motherhood bond with my own child/children.

If you follow me on pi.nte.rest, you'll notice I go by Aunt Dee - He's the reason I'm called that! Growing up in South Africa, I was taught to call women, Auntie Jackie or Auntie Ann, regardless if they were an actual aunt or not, it was out of respect. When he was learning how to talk everyone referred to me as Auntie Jenn.... for the longest time, no one could figure out how he came up with Dee from Jenn, but then one day it clicked. His brain was processing, Auntie. Ann-tie, Ann Dee, Aunt Dee!!

Now, eleven years later(and proudly called Aunt Dee) we have a unique bond, him and I!! He still sits in my lap...and I think he always will! His dad even said to him once, "that he'd be an adult and still sitting in his Aunt Dee's lap" and he replied with a huge smile and said, "yep!" I hope that is the case for all-time and I really hope and pray that J and I will be able to give him and his brother some cousins, really soon!!

If you've made it to this point, thanks for reading/listening. This has really been
on my mind(and in my heart) lately and I wanted to share...so thanks!

IF Awareness

More awareness coming to a screen near you!

Though, not too sure I'd want to watch the WTEWYE, especially around mother's day.

disclaimer: unless, of course I'm PG'ers by then;

And WE'RE the ones with IF?....makes perfect sense. NOT!

Ugh!

Sent from my iPad

What the fuss is all about....

What can I say?

2011 is a year that I'd like to forget. Unfortunately, mother nature had a different idea. My last beta on 12/30 was 17, so not only has the m/c still not officially ended, I've also been forced to take it into the new year with me. I really wanted to leave it in the past and have a new year with a fresh start, but that is not the case. I have another beta a week from Friday. Though I think I'm going to call them and ask if they will send an order to my local La.bCor.p, because they are only ten minutes away. Where as my RE's office is almost an hour away and I'd have to take off work.

Speaking of work.... It's going good! Yesterday, was my first day back after being off for two weeks for Christmas. It wasn't paid time off, but it did give me time to spend with my family that was in town, so that was nice. I've been averaging $300/week, which isn't great money, but I don't think it's that bad when you consider the fact that I'm only working between 30-33 hours a week AND I have no gas expenses from commuting back and forth.

Other than that, there's not much going on around here. Hubs' and I went away for new year's. Well, we stayed the night at a hotel in a town about two hours south of where we live. Basically, we just wanted a change of scenery. We checked in and then went out to dinner. Went back to the room, stayed awake until midnight, kissed and said 'Happy New Year'! We really know how to party, huh?!? But then, hubs softly said, "I hope this year is better." It was sweet, I know the m/c was disappointing to him as well, though he'd never admit it. He is much too strong for that....

I better get off of here and finish packing up the Christmas decor. Say, how many tree skirts is considered too many tree skirts? I have seven! Although, I feel I should mention that I do put up three Christmas trees each year. Hmm, maybe I have an all around Christmas addiction that is not limited to only tree skirts!?!