I don't know where else to go....

I guess it's only natural for me to come back {HERE} to something so familiar. I feel incredibly lost right now, like I'm just going through the motions. Only, I don't really know what the right motions are for learning to live a life so unexpected. I'm gonna be honest. I use to read through the blogs and wonder which of us ladies would get to become mothers and which of us would be forced to live child free? Not once did I ever feel like I would be on the forced side of a child free home. I always believed it would happen for me.

 I see the looks on my parent's faces.....it literally breaks my heart. I was holding my precious lil' niece today and I looked up and saw my dad watching me with her and he just looked so sad. My sister told me that he is devasted by all of this and doesn't understand how it's easy for others to get PG and so impossible for J and I.

I thought losing my brother the way we did would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to go through. However, this is starting to run a close second and may even become a tie, if not win. How can you miss something you never had? I know I need to move on and try to find something that I can enjoy, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to figure out what that might be. All my life, I only ever wanted to be a mommy. I have never been able to find anything else that I thought would be more enjoyable & rewarding.

Where do I go from here?