Bloody HELL

TODAY, more specifically, RIGHT NOW ~ I want to go back into the darkness, to the unknown, back into my little, naive world that all things would/will work out naturally. What is that anyway, naturally?? Is there even such a thing? Or, is it only a mirage? A delusion on my part....

Rewind to YESTERDAY ~ I called my RE's office, again....If you remember I called them(last month) after getting that false + on a defective HPT. Anyway, they never called me back, so I called yesterday and left L a message, saying I just wanted to know(for peace of mind every month) what my real chances were. WELL, you know the old saying 'be careful what you ask for'....It still holds true today. L called last night at 7:30, we talked for a bit, I told her my concerns and she said she would talk with my RE and get back with me tomorrow.

Fast forward to Earlier TODAY ~ L called around 6pm with "the news"....Lucky for me I was already sitting down when she said, "your "numbers" for getting PG on your own are less than 1%." I didn't figure we had much of a chance since it's been six years of TTC with 2 IUI's and 1 IVF/ICSI but, LESS THAN ONE PERCENT?!?!?! What the HELL?!?!?

I guess I got what I asked for...I wanted to know if I should even try and scrape together tiny shreds of hope each month, C after C?....Now, I know, there's no use. Absolutely none.

somewhat better

My migraine started to subside yesterday...it is not fully gone. I have taken everything under the sun and the only thing that sorta helps is exc.edrine.migraine(thanks kitty). I wanted to answer the Q's from my last post...I am not prone to migraines. I have had a few in my lifetime, but this is by far the worst and longest. Today is CD14, however this started on CD9. I have never had a migraine like this during my C, so not sure what's going on with me. I feel so dizzy and nauseous right now I don't know if I'm gonna pass out or throw up...or maybe BOTH! My plan was to log on here and catch up on everything I have missed this week, but I am so weak right now, I just don't have it in me to even sit at the desk and type.

Hope you ladies have a good week! Peace out

My head hurts

I went to bed last night with a killer headache. Got up at midnight and took four aspirin. Nothing! Woke up at 6ish and the room was spinning(no, I don't have a hangover), went back to sleep. Got up at nine...headache still in tact. Took 3 adv.il, nothing! Laid on the couch for most of the day with my head pounding. It's still throbbing away. Only now, I keep feeling dizzy and nauseated too. Looks like I'm going to bed tonight feeling worse than last night. How is that possible?!?  

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More on mom

Thanks ladies for the options. A lot of you suggested I send my mom an email expressing my concern's(see yesterday's post). I guess I am kinda scared/nervous to see what would happen if I really poured my heart out in an email/letter. I just feel horribly sick to my stomach(everytime I think about it) for a week or so after I attempt to talk about it with her. And, I think it would be total devestation for me if I were to be shot down after a letter was sent.

She has no problem talking to me about anything else, it's just the topic of IF that she steers clear of. It's hard for me to know if I should open up about it or leave it alone....She has always been and still is a private person, never talking about "female issues" with anyone that I know of. To this day, she does not even write tampons/pads on the grocery list. Instead, it's referred to as "girl's stuff."

Growing up my dad was always telling us kids "your mother is gonna have a nervous breakdown." I heard it so often I thought it was a normal everyday occurance. Having said that, I've often been very cautious as to what I say around her, so as to not upset her. And now, with losing my brother she seems to be even more sensitive, which I get, but it's still hard for me....feeling that I can't talk to my mom about one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through.

Why do I even try?

I tried talking to my mom the other day about IF. I don't know why I even bother "trying" to talk to her about this, It just makes me so sick feeling. I thought out of all people your mom is someone you can talk to about anything. Well I guess not my mom. I know they(her & my dad) were less than thrilled when we did IVF, but c'mon, it's my own mom....Why won't she talk to me about this? My sister had once told me that mom had told her she didn't like bringing it up with me cause she doesn't want to upset me, but if I bring it up then she will talk to me. That's a LOAD OF CRAP, and I so didn't want to say crap! Since my sister told me that(over a year ago) I have tried several times to bring up the topic. It doesn't matter what I say about it, she always changes the subject. It infuriates me and makes me feel alone. I need my mom to talk to and she clearly wants no part of it. *sigh* My most recent "try" was this last week when I was pulling weeds, I called my mom and was just chatting and without even thinking I brought up how it would be nice if insurance companies had to pay for IF treatment. To which she replies bluntly, that if anything they are going to start covering less. So I say, "a girl can dream. I just want a baby and it saddens me to think that there is no way we can come up with $9000 by the end of the year to do the reduced-price IVF that our RE offered us. He has only ever offered this kinda thing to 2 other people and we won't be able to do it." ......Wanna know what mom said? She says and I quote, "huh, I'm getting a new phone this week, a dr.oi.d. can't wait til it arrives, maybe you can help me figure it out." ....Is she FREAKIN' kidding me?!? That's all she can muster up to say to me, is huh? I don't get it. I don't get her. I'm getting an upset stomach just thinking about it.

If they really are against all this IVF I wish they would just come out and say, We don't want to talk about it, instead of picking and choosing what parts they want to talk about. GRR, I swear I could breath fire right now, I'm so mad! (I doubt this post is even going to be understandable since I can't even think straight right now, much less type.) Then they wonder why I don't come around very often, or when I do it's for a short amount of time. Seriously?

Free Chairs

I scored 4 of these awesome adirondack chairs for f-r-e-e....*FREE* at
a garage sale!!! Ok truth be told they didn't look this great when I
got them, but after about twelve cans of spray paint and some manual
labor on my part....I think I've got them looking pretty darn cute! I
originally wanted to paint 2 of the chairs green and two yellow, but
the latter color was not cooperating. I think I might paint two a rust
color that matches the cushions on my outdoor patio set. The cushions
have a green stripe running through them, so this green matches
perfectly!

I just about have my backyard looking good and summer ready...Now for
some parties, who wants to come?!

Productive Morning

My dog woke me up this morning at six. So I decided to just get up and
I'm glad I did. I have been very productive this morning....and it's
not even 10 am!! I cleaned the kitchen, picked up the living room(I'm
strong, ha!). Then I went outside and pulled weeds from the flower
beds, fixed the dirt around one of my trees that Izzy decided to dig up
(dumb dog), and planted a rose bush and 2 peonies. Whew, I'm beat.

Now, it's time to reward myself!! I have my coffee and powdered donuts
and I am finally going to watch Dea.r Jo.hn. I hope it's good, I've
heard mix reviews.

It's been better....I've been better.

Well, I did it! I convinced myself I was PG from all the symptoms I've been having the past 2 weeks. Some of them you knew(feeling winded, excessive peeing) and then there were the others...raised temps, nausea, swollen boobs - more so than ever, like falling out of my full-coverage bra, swollen. As well as sharp pains in my bbs when I laid on my side. Then AF came yesterday and shattered my heart, AGAIN! Don't know why I keep thinking we will get PG on our own. I guess cause my RE never said we couldn't get PG naturally.(I am also getting a little irritated with his office...I called them a few weeks ago(after my false +) and wanted to know if there was even the slightest chance we could get PG naturally or should I just forget all about it? To which I was told she would have to talk to my RE and have him call me cause that is not something she can say, which I understand. BUT, he never has called me and I betcha anything she forgot to ask him cause that is so not like him to not return a call. Stupid receptionist, I knew I shouldn't have trusted her when I didn't recognize her voice. Grr!) Oh and maybe, just maybe it would be nice to not have to spend another $20K for nothing. Sorry, I'm a bit bitter these days....you would think 6 years of TTC and I could be over the worst of it, but I think it comes and goes in giant waves. And right now I'm battling a hurricane of emotions. *sigh*

plates

I wanted to share a conversation I had with my SIL(the one that lost
her dh(my brother)). It was more of a meltdown since I found out that
I had had a false positive hpt. Well anyways, I was doing good, hadn't
cried much at all....I drove over to her work to pick something up
from her....She got in the truck and we chatted for a bit in the
parking lot(she works at a high security place, if you don't work
there you can't get in).....She has a way of knowing when there's a
problem and I had already told her not to look me in the eyes or I
would definitely start crying. It didn't matter, I couldn't contain
the overwhelming amount of tears that poured out of my eyes. I lost
it. I told her what had happened and she lost it too, then I cried
even more, cause she is the only IRL friend that will sincerely talk
to me about all of this IF. After we had a good cry, she told me about
her cousin who had lost a baby who was 6 months old. She didn't go
into too much detail about what had happened....What she did tell me
about was the form of "therapy" her cousin used. Everytime she went to
a garage sale she would buy some plates. Not anything special, just an
odd plate here and there. When she got home she would add to her
collection in the basement. Whenever she was having a bad day/meltdown
and couldn't bear it anymore she would go into the basement and start
breaking the plates. As many or as few as she needed to throw against
the wall til she found some relief from the anger and bitterness
within herself. My SIL said she(the cousin) would leave the pile of
shattered plates until she was in a better mood to clean them up.
Sometimes a few days.....sometimes a couple of months would go by
before she could pick up the pieces and start over with a new pile of
broken plates.

I so wish I had a basement right now. I could most definitely use some
"plate therapy" today.

Not my time

My lower back has been hurting since I woke up this morning. Now I
know, it's only a matter of time before AF arrives. ;(

Sent from my iPhone

And the crowd goes WILD!

Well, not quite wild, but I am back from family reunion in case you
missed me!

It was good. Hot, but good! This was the first time we had it this
early. It is normally held the last weekend in June, but they thought
if we had it earlier(I don't think two weeks is all that much earlier)
it might be better weather. I think they forgot one major contender -
it's still June in TEXAS!! It's gonna be hot no matter when we have it.

Anyhoo! I think I drank my weight in water over the last two and a
half days. I can't remember the last time I've had that much water, if
ever!?! Which in turn made me have to pee A LOT! In fact, I need to go
to the rr now, AGAIN! I swear, everytime I turn(ed) around I am back
in the rr peeing. I'm sure you were on the edge of your seat waiting
to read this interesting post, huh? HA!

Also, if you do the math with my windedness post's and this miss pees
a lot post, you will come up with the same end result as my pea-brain
(no pun intended) is trying to convince me of. Lost yet? If you're
still with me, hopefully you can send up some wishful prayers for me
and if this isn't the case...you can help me pick up the pieces of
another broken heart. Either way, I know I'll have my blog girls by my
side(I just hope it's my happy side).

Family Reunion!

We are at FM this weekend! Hope everyone has a good w/end. I'll be
back on Monday....I'm sure I'll be greatly missed! =} Ha!!

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more windedness & other news

Last night I got up at 3am and had to pee like crazy. I had had a lot to drink before bed so not what you're thinking at all. ;) My rr is about 5 steps away from my bed and when I got back in to bed I noticed I was breating heavier than normal. What is wrong with me?!?!? Seriously?

I am supposed to be cleaning, doing laundry or baking right now. Anything but wasting time on the computer - I just can't seem to drag myself away from this addictive cube! We have family reunion this weekend(J's side of the family of course...my side only ever gets together for funerals. How sad is that?) Anyways, we are taking the camper and J took 2 nights off work so we can stay the whole weekend and have a mini vacation!! That is what I should be doing, getting everything ready to leave, but instead I sit here typing. I have a ton of crap to do too...

1) bake a dozen chocolate chip cookies(& try not to eat all of them before we leave)
2) bake a dozen white chocolate chip cookies(I don't like these & hubs doesn't
have the sweet addiction prob I have, so I know he won't eat all of them)
3) make lemon squares(& try not to eat all of them before we leave)
4) roast summer veggies(thursday pm)
5) have breakfast cassarole put together & ready to bake in camper
6) go grocery shopping(guess that should be #1, huh?)
7) do laundry
8) pack the camper
I know I have loads more stuff to do, but cannot seem to think of it at the moment.

==> I actually applied for some jobs yesterday. Surprise, surprise! =) Though, at the end of the day, DH said he didn't care if I worked or not. He knew I wanted to be a SAHM when he married me and even though I'm only a SAHW(now, hopefully not for long), he was okay with me not working. Aww! I swear I'm married to the greatest guy on earth!! I love him so much!

Winded

Lately, the slightest bit of activity is making me feel winded. I have never worked out on a regular basis or at all for that matter! Unless, you call that brief time in my life when I did Pilate's. However, I am noticing it more and more these days. Yesterday, I mowed this tiny strip of grass(before I hit a stump & needed DH to re-start the mower) and I was completely out of breath, like I had been mowing for a hour or so. Then, this morning I sprayed for bugs, in the kitchen, at the doorways and around the outside of my house and it drained me like none other! AND, we have the orth.oma.x at home system thingy and it is so easy to use. I was talking to J on the phone afterwards and he asked what I was doing cause I was breathing so hard. When I told him I was sitting on the couch resting cause I just sprayed for bugs, he said "that's all you did and you're that out of breath?!?" I think I'm falling apart. I vacuumed just now and noticed it again. The tiniest bit of exertion is wearing me out. I don't know what's causing it. I don't feel sick or feel like a cold/flu is on it's way. I am about a week and a half away from my next C, not that this is a PMS symptom for me, I am just trying to rule out any and all reasons I can think of.

At least typing doesn't wear me out and I can still blog! ;)

prayers for a friend

Please keep Sweet Pea in your thoughts and prayers. As she is currently needing us more than ever!

Love you and praying for you, Dot!

I feel like a TTC virgin

Please forgive me for not knowing this off the top of my head....BUT,
I cannot seem to remember the correct timing of BD'ing and CM. Is it
before, during or after the EWCM comes. It's after right?!? M My brain
has been slipping lately and I wasn't going to post this for fear of
sounding like one of those obnoxious, "2 days of TTC and am I
pregnant, chicks?" However, it has been driving me crazy not knowing
so bring on the responses, please!

Sent from my iPhone

No great title

My nephews came over yesterday and spent last night and most of today with me. It was nice to hang out with them again! Though I have to say, they are very into ALL things electronic....I call them 'my little electronic trolls'. If it's not tv, it's DS games, play.station and now iPhones. Whatever happened to playing outside, climbing trees and using your imagination?!?! Ahh! ;)
They talked me into playing hide and go seek with them and at one point the two of them were running around my dinner table. I timed them out and told them that if any of my new and expensive plates got broken they would be in big trouble!! It was then when the 7-year-old thought it would be funny to pick up one of the appetizer plates and hold it over his head and "pretend" he was going to slam it down on the other plate. I just about lost it. I sent him to go sit on the couch and I went outside for MY timeout. Grr! His parents always say there are some kids at school that they learn this behavior from, but I swear it those dang Zack and Cody shows(suite.life.on.deck). I'm guessing their parents never actually watch and listen to that show, but geez! That show is full of rich kids with serious attitudes.

Other than that, I've been helping J's sister get moved in. Unpacking and decorating is a real chore. Ok maybe not the decorating part...that's the reward for unpacking! :) It gonna be nice living so close to family again. She and I are going shopping in the morning. They wanted us to come over last night, but J was leaving for work and my nephews were over. Then they asked if we wanted to stay for steak tonight, but J said he needed to take a nap before work. Sometimes, it would be nice for him to have a different schedule but I guess I need to be thankful he has a job. And sure I could go down there while he's sleeping, but I don't wanna go without him. Am I the only one who feels this way...Do you go out without your husband or do you just make it a chick-flick night?

In other news, it is CD20. We bd the other night and it was by far one of the best, I dubbed it dang good, baby-making, BD!!! Let's just hope it did the trick!!!!!!

Buzzed.

NO. Not that kinda buzzed....LOL! My nephews are in town, staying with
my parents and J and I went over there last night for dinner and a
swim. Anyways, I got to buzz their hair off, cause they "wanted hair
like uncle J!"

song for my uterus

This is my new favorite song!! I love the upbeat-ness(not a word, I know, but I'm tired and can't think of a better word). The more I listen to the lyrics, the more I noticed how fitting it was for a dedication to my uterus!!!

Turn up those speakers and rock out! What? You can't cause you're at work?!? Ahh, just tell the boss it's your 4-day-work-week, happy dance!! Enjoy! =)