It's Official! .....this time, for realz!

In the past few months, hubs has brought up the topic of fostering and foster-to-adopt. He works with a guy that's fostered and adopted a few kids and I guess he's been getting the skinny on it. Well, given that hubs doesn't really talk too much on the whole baby subject, much less bring it up himself, I assumed that was the route he wanted to try. I've looked into it before, after the first time he mentioned it, but never really gave it much thought. About two weeks ago he brought it up again. {{Let me get you up to speed real quick.... I was a week late in my cycle. I knew it was going to start (that's just my luck) but with everyday that passed it got harder and harder to not get my hopes up. I told hubs, I know it's going to start and it's going to be rough on me, so please just be there for me, when it does. Sure enough, 7 days late and hopes toward the sky, she arrived on a Sunday morning of all days. I so wanted to just put on slouchy clothes and watch tv all day, but no, we went to church, as planned. Well wouldn't you know the sermon was on how important 'new life' is and a lady sang a song about babies, or the lack there of rather. Ok, the song wasn't really about that, but that's all I heard. Isn't it strange how the message can speak right to you and your situation, sometimes? On our way home, hubs asked what was wrong? Obviously, I had been extremely quiet all morning and yes, I even cried through most of church. I simply told him, that I was upset that I'd started. I knew it was going to be rough and boy was it ever! His response to me was, "We'll just adopt!" All matter of fact-like..... This being the second conversation of him bringing up the topic}} He told me all about this guy at work and how many they've fostered and how many of those they adopted, etc etc.... So, as the weeks went on I began to really contemplate adoption and possibly fostering. I did some research, thought on it some more, wondered if I could really be ok with it and then decided if hubs has brought it up a couple of times, it's clearly something he's open to. He has been supportive of me trying every procedure under the sun for the last 10 years, I truly believe it is my turn to try something his way. Last Sunday on our way to church.... I told him that I've been thinking a lot about it and did some research and that we could go ahead and fill out an application to adopt if he wanted to. I had found a place that was local that you didn't have to pay for anything, until the actual adoption took place. (Because of our current lack of funds)  I explained how even starting the process now wouldn't mean we will get a baby this month, but that maybe by starting it now things could possibly roll into place around a November. Basically, I was hoping with the wait time it would be nice if the money needed for an adoption wouldn't be needed until during adoption month when lawyers offer their services for free or at a discounted rate. I said all of that and he replied with, "I see us living on a boat for the rest of our lives." .....I'm not gonna lie, I was mad when I first heard him say that. I mean who puts living on a boat ahead of having children?? It was so maddening. It felt like my world was crashing down all around me and all I could do was sit there and watch it happen. Then he said, if you really want to adopt we can, but it's one or the other. Again, that's what I heard.....he didn't really give me an ultimatum, but it definitely felt like an ultimatum. At this point we had arrived at church and I had to go inside {bad idea starting the convo on the way to church} I sat in church and began to get angry, which is kinda hard when you're in church. But, then all of a sudden I started to really process things. For the past 10 years hubs has been trying all these treatments, mainly for me. Yes, of course he wants kids, but over the many years of TTC he has always told me that if it's not meant to be, he is ok with it just being me and him. And, we have always, always said that our marriage comes first!! We would quit trying if/when it ever became an issue with our marriage. I never wanted TTC to become something that caused resentment between the two of us. And not that it has caused resentment, but I'm sure if we were to continue on this path it would start very soon. I can't even explain how it happened, but before I knew it I wasn't even angry anymore. In that moment I decided it was time for me/us to move on. I knew there was only one way for me to get through this and not become bitter....so I prayed and asked God to take away my need/want for children. Never in my life would I have ever thought that was something I could/would do, but I did. And just like that, I had this peace wash over me that it was all going to be okay. It's not like I don't have children in my life already, I do, we do, it will just be that we don't have any of our own.  

Truth be told, I can even see us living on a boat!! And while it could be done with children, the likelihood of it happening after a baby is pretty slim. I think it's time we start living our lives and after everything hubs has done for me, I think it's about time I start doing things for him! I know it will not be easy, but I know we will be ok! I suppose there are worse things in life than not having children. And so, with all that said, we are done.....with all of it. 

{The only way I can truly start to move on will be to close this blog, for good. We can still keep in touch on F.b, but I can't keep coming back here every now and then, making things worse on myself. I have to cut the strings from this chapter in my life. I thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart for all your love & support through my journey!!! I wish you all the very best in life.....you deserve it, each and every one of you!!}

~Hugs & Hearts~ 

 ^J^

 



Meltdown....

And today is apparently my day. Out of the blue, well maybe not out of the complete blue..... My sister talked to me yesterday about adopting(and while I thought I was in a good place and that I could talk about it, now I'm not so sure). I tried to explain to her that its not that we are opposed to it {for the most part} it's that we cannot afford it. We didn't stop all treatments because we didn't want to do them anymore, albeit they were tremendously heartbreaking when they didn't work. We stopped because we cannot afford to keep trying. And I know, if you wait till you can afford it, you'll never be able to afford it. I get that. But after not being able to afford $30K and still spending it, we are officially tapped out of all things non-affordable.

Sitting here now and watching an old episode of S.ex&Th.eCi.ty and I lost it. I broke down and  cried my heart out. No more will I be able to talk about this with family members, even when I think I'm ok to talk about it. Because it ALWAYS takes its toll on me the next day.

I'm sad.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.

Thank-You Ladies {once again}

Y'all sure know how to make a girl feel loved!!!

Last week was not so good for me, as I'm sure you could tell from my previous post. ;) I don't even know what happened....things had been going good, I hadn't even been really thinking about TTC or the lack there of rather. I wasn't even feeling down and out. But then last week happened. I got a birth announcement on Fb from an ex co-worker and the weird thing about that is she too has had her probs with IF and I found myself hurt that she was PG before me! After all, I'd been trying a lot longer than her! I never used to be that way. I used to only get mad at women that didn't have to really try, you know the ones that say, "Let's start TTC" and then get PG the very first month. You know "those women." Throw in a couple PG announcements, and a morning drive to work where I had to change the radio station 5 times  because they kept talking about this actress or that actress being PG or just had a baby or the song they were playing was baby related. And in case you were wondering, my commute is only 25 mins at the max. :( I guess I'd had all I could take and needed to vent! ......Speaking of work, I still love being a nanny to Little Miss! And more importantly, I love that I can separate my feelings and not be envious of my sister for being able to get PG/have a baby. With that said, there are times when I'll be talking to my mom while caring for Little Miss and the conversations we have are difficult for me because I always thought that those talks would be about my baby. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is hard to quit TTC and yet still have  daily baby conversations about someone else's baby. :{

So thanks for letting me get it all out and also thank you for indulging me on a quest to know if miracles do still happen w/out treatment! ;)

Testing, 1, 2, 3

My name is ~J~ and I'm an infertile in a major funk!

Hello, hope y'all had a good Christmas! Happy New Year, blah blah blah....

I have a question to those of you who are currently PG or maybe you already had your baby. I haven't really been keeping up. Sorry! It's not that I don't care, I do. I just try and guard my heart from more hurt. Anyways, my question for you, is,  Did you stop thinking about it/quit TTC and then it happened? Or, We're you trying to get PG, when you did? And if so, Were you doing a treatment C, timing BD, what exactly?? I don't know why I'm even asking. Like it's gonna magically happen to me or something, yeah right. I feel like the exception to every rule. Which could apply to both good & bad rules, unfortunately, I only seem to attract the bad. I guess a part of me will never really give in and give up on my dream.... We have already said we are done trying and even if we hadn't, we are in so much debt for trying to get PG the last nine years, that I don't even think it would be feasible. 

These questions have been on my mind for awhile now, so I figured I should just ask. What else do I have to lose?

-Thanks