Motherhood-Role play

Before J and I got married I watched my nephew while his parents(my brother & SIL, who I'll call K) were at work. Actually, it all started when he was born. I was living at home with my parents and my brother and K lived in their own house, but were still on the same property as us. My brother was working nights at the time and so K slept at our house with the baby. K was on one couch, I would sleep on the other and my nephew slept in his pack n' play. Night time feedings went a little something like this...baby wakes up and I get up with him, start making his bottle, since K's milk hadn't really come in yet. While the frozen breast milk is warming, I wake up K. She starts pumping for a short time, again, milk's not really there so it didn't take long and she'd be done pumping and back to sleep she went. In the meantime, I'd feed and burp nephew and change him, if needed, and get him back to sleep. Then I'd go back to sleep until he woke again and we'd, ahem, I'd do it all over again!

This went on for the first couple of weeks, at least. Since they lived so close I saw him everyday and cared for him day in and day out. Of course I didn't mind at all and was extremely happy to take care of him. We were really close! I could get him to stop crying, eat, go to sleep, etc...anything a regular mom could do. When K went back to work he stayed with me. This went on for a couple of years. Included in this time was when my mom was having severe back problems. I did it all then, taking complete care of my mom and nephew. I did the laundry, cooked, went to the grocery store and took my mom back and forth to the chiropractor three times a week, because she couldn't drive....all with baby in tow. And everywhere we went people thought he was my baby, I heard it so often that I didn't even correct people anymore. Even when I was out shopping with K(his own mother) they would still say "your son" to me. Oddly enough, K never seemed to care. Looking back, I don't think I really knew what kind of attachment was forming...as far as I was concerned, I was the luckiest aunt in the world, being able to spend so much time with my nephew.

If my brother was working nearby, he'd come over on his lunch break( or whenever he could) to see his kiddo! K on the other hand would drop him off on her way to work and come get him whenever. Sometimes, she'd even get off work early and go home to take a nap or go shopping and run errands before she'd come get him. Again, I didn't mind so much because that was more time that I had to hang out with him, but I never understood how K could leave him for such long periods of time and not miss him like crazy. It got to the point that when K came to get him, that he would start crying and cling to me, she would have to pry him off of me just to leave. That broke my heart. Still brings a tear to my eye... Sometimes he would fuss for me a little when my brother picked him up, but it didnt last long and never was it the severity as when K picked him up.

By the time his brother came along, J and I had just started dating. They didn't live as close this time and my brother was working a normal shift by then and there were no night time feedings that I took care of. Plus, I think my brother(and maybe K) realized what happened with their first and tried to change things this time around... But, I did watch both nephews once she went back to work again. The bond with my second nephew was strong too, but still different than with my first nephew. ...my dad truly believes and tells me(although, he'd never admit this to K) that I was his mom for the first two and a half years of his life...and I sorta was!

I used to think I shared those experiences with him and played the role as his mother, because God knew it would help prepare me for my real motherhood role, but now, eight years into IF, I can't help but wonder, sometimes, if all those "motherhood experiences" were because God knew I'd never be a mother. *sigh*
I think, nope, scratch that....I'm hoping this is just the m/c talking and that I really will get, not just another "role" at motherhood, but rather, a full-time, full-on, motherhood bond with my own child/children.

If you follow me on pi.nte.rest, you'll notice I go by Aunt Dee - He's the reason I'm called that! Growing up in South Africa, I was taught to call women, Auntie Jackie or Auntie Ann, regardless if they were an actual aunt or not, it was out of respect. When he was learning how to talk everyone referred to me as Auntie Jenn.... for the longest time, no one could figure out how he came up with Dee from Jenn, but then one day it clicked. His brain was processing, Auntie. Ann-tie, Ann Dee, Aunt Dee!!

Now, eleven years later(and proudly called Aunt Dee) we have a unique bond, him and I!! He still sits in my lap...and I think he always will! His dad even said to him once, "that he'd be an adult and still sitting in his Aunt Dee's lap" and he replied with a huge smile and said, "yep!" I hope that is the case for all-time and I really hope and pray that J and I will be able to give him and his brother some cousins, really soon!!

If you've made it to this point, thanks for reading/listening. This has really been
on my mind(and in my heart) lately and I wanted to share...so thanks!