Motherhood-Role play

Before J and I got married I watched my nephew while his parents(my brother & SIL, who I'll call K) were at work. Actually, it all started when he was born. I was living at home with my parents and my brother and K lived in their own house, but were still on the same property as us. My brother was working nights at the time and so K slept at our house with the baby. K was on one couch, I would sleep on the other and my nephew slept in his pack n' play. Night time feedings went a little something like this...baby wakes up and I get up with him, start making his bottle, since K's milk hadn't really come in yet. While the frozen breast milk is warming, I wake up K. She starts pumping for a short time, again, milk's not really there so it didn't take long and she'd be done pumping and back to sleep she went. In the meantime, I'd feed and burp nephew and change him, if needed, and get him back to sleep. Then I'd go back to sleep until he woke again and we'd, ahem, I'd do it all over again!

This went on for the first couple of weeks, at least. Since they lived so close I saw him everyday and cared for him day in and day out. Of course I didn't mind at all and was extremely happy to take care of him. We were really close! I could get him to stop crying, eat, go to sleep, etc...anything a regular mom could do. When K went back to work he stayed with me. This went on for a couple of years. Included in this time was when my mom was having severe back problems. I did it all then, taking complete care of my mom and nephew. I did the laundry, cooked, went to the grocery store and took my mom back and forth to the chiropractor three times a week, because she couldn't drive....all with baby in tow. And everywhere we went people thought he was my baby, I heard it so often that I didn't even correct people anymore. Even when I was out shopping with K(his own mother) they would still say "your son" to me. Oddly enough, K never seemed to care. Looking back, I don't think I really knew what kind of attachment was forming...as far as I was concerned, I was the luckiest aunt in the world, being able to spend so much time with my nephew.

If my brother was working nearby, he'd come over on his lunch break( or whenever he could) to see his kiddo! K on the other hand would drop him off on her way to work and come get him whenever. Sometimes, she'd even get off work early and go home to take a nap or go shopping and run errands before she'd come get him. Again, I didn't mind so much because that was more time that I had to hang out with him, but I never understood how K could leave him for such long periods of time and not miss him like crazy. It got to the point that when K came to get him, that he would start crying and cling to me, she would have to pry him off of me just to leave. That broke my heart. Still brings a tear to my eye... Sometimes he would fuss for me a little when my brother picked him up, but it didnt last long and never was it the severity as when K picked him up.

By the time his brother came along, J and I had just started dating. They didn't live as close this time and my brother was working a normal shift by then and there were no night time feedings that I took care of. Plus, I think my brother(and maybe K) realized what happened with their first and tried to change things this time around... But, I did watch both nephews once she went back to work again. The bond with my second nephew was strong too, but still different than with my first nephew. ...my dad truly believes and tells me(although, he'd never admit this to K) that I was his mom for the first two and a half years of his life...and I sorta was!

I used to think I shared those experiences with him and played the role as his mother, because God knew it would help prepare me for my real motherhood role, but now, eight years into IF, I can't help but wonder, sometimes, if all those "motherhood experiences" were because God knew I'd never be a mother. *sigh*
I think, nope, scratch that....I'm hoping this is just the m/c talking and that I really will get, not just another "role" at motherhood, but rather, a full-time, full-on, motherhood bond with my own child/children.

If you follow me on pi.nte.rest, you'll notice I go by Aunt Dee - He's the reason I'm called that! Growing up in South Africa, I was taught to call women, Auntie Jackie or Auntie Ann, regardless if they were an actual aunt or not, it was out of respect. When he was learning how to talk everyone referred to me as Auntie Jenn.... for the longest time, no one could figure out how he came up with Dee from Jenn, but then one day it clicked. His brain was processing, Auntie. Ann-tie, Ann Dee, Aunt Dee!!

Now, eleven years later(and proudly called Aunt Dee) we have a unique bond, him and I!! He still sits in my lap...and I think he always will! His dad even said to him once, "that he'd be an adult and still sitting in his Aunt Dee's lap" and he replied with a huge smile and said, "yep!" I hope that is the case for all-time and I really hope and pray that J and I will be able to give him and his brother some cousins, really soon!!

If you've made it to this point, thanks for reading/listening. This has really been
on my mind(and in my heart) lately and I wanted to share...so thanks!

You is....

I've been having a very hard time this week with post miscarriage feelings. I would have been 16w2days today. This is supposed to be my merry Christmas. I went for another beta yesterday and my numbers were 33. Which means, I have to go back again next week. In the last ten weeks, I've had eight doctor appointments. I'm so ready for all this to be over. Every time I think I can start moving forward and try to forget this, I have to go back in for another beta and be reminded all over again. I just want it to be over already.

I watched .Th.eHel.p the other day and heard this saying. I'm trying to remember this and I know I'll be reciting this to myself over the next couple of days. Anything to get me through....

Ahh, why do I feel like this?

I am gonna go ahead and say it, as bad as it sounds....I am somewhat bothered that no one is praying for me. There, I said it. How awful am I?

I am very, very glad for all the prayers for my sister. That's not what this is about. Then, yesterday we found out that my uncle died, so it's like I have been forgotten about. I come from a big family of long-time prayer warriors. I get at least one email a day from my great-aunt listing all the family member prayer requests and I can't help but think where's my name? I know it's horrible what happened with my sister's seizure and very stressfull on my parents that her doctors haven't {and may never} find out what caused her to have one. And now, my aunt asked my dad to do the funeral so along with all the family issues and it being a holiday week, it's a lot to take in and process.

I'm finding the stress of the m/c to be all so overwhelming. (It officially happened a week ago {11/15}. I keep meaning to write a post on that, but for now, it's too hard to even think about, much less write about.) All I keep thinking is I would have been 12 weeks along today. This should have been the best Thanksgiving ever, and yet, it's very much the opposite. I'm finding it very hard to be thankful for anything. And, I know that's wrong. I am very thankful my sister is doing somewhat better. But me personally? I am having a hard time. I have been so strong these past few weeks and now it's all crashing down on me and I CANNOT let it get me down. I WILL NOT become the person I was after our failed IVF.

My brother came in last night and so I am going to my mom's house today to hang out with my nephews{and help my mom cook}. Those kiddo's always, always make me feel better and so I plan on soaking up as much of them as I possibly can and have some much needed and long over due aunt/nephew time.

Update

I went to the RE Monday, had a repeat sono. Still the same results - empty yolk sac. Actually, on this sono it showed two yolk sacs, but they said that didn't necessarily mean twins{which was my first thought} that it could just be abnormal tissue formed from the unviable PG. He said we could continue waiting for the m/c to happen naturally, have a D&C or he would prescribe me Misop.rostol{and Tyle.nol #3 for pain} which would cause me to miscarry within 12-48 hours. After much thought and convo's with the hubs, we decided I would take the Rx. So, last night I took the med's and by morning I had already started bleeding. It was moderately heavy up until early evening, but now it's slowed down quite a bit. And oddly enough, I haven't experienced any cramping or pain thus far. I've never heard of anyone who's had a m/c and not have any pain associated with it. So I'm guessing, this is the calm before the storm?? Who knows....I really don't have anything to compare this to. My m/c after the IVF was more like a really light period with no cramps probably because I was only two weeks along.

I'm really quite surprised with myself for how well I've taken this m/c. It probably has a lot to do with TTC for eight plus years. I know we will try again and I'm hopeful it WILL work. But one thing I've learned from all this, is that high beta numbers don't exactly mean a viable PG. Sad but true.

What I didn't know...

They never tell you key things regarding m/c's. I have friends and family members who have had a m/c before and yet the only thing people ever say is "cramps & bleeding". Those are the only two things I have ever associated a m/c with. But, over the last week I've figured a few things out regarding what's going on with my body. 
First of all let me say we decided against a D&C and we are waiting for it to happen naturally. Which, might be part of the reason my symptoms are what they are, but regardless. They never tell you that you still feel pregnant. What I mean is you still have all the pregnancy symptoms, including, crying at the drop of a hat, indigestion & heartburn, extreme bloated feeling so much so that most of my clothes don't fit. Pretty much I wear boxers or pj bottoms unless I have to leave the house and then I put on what used to be my loosest pair of jeans and I can barely button them. Another thing is I want junk food all the time. Last night I was so hungry but the only things that sounded good to me was greasy pizza, chilly-cheese dog or nachos. Did I mention it was 1am and we don't live in a city that has take-out or delivery all night long. I wound up eating broccoli in cheese sauce and feeling sick after. Smells still bother me and foods don't taste like they used to. And, lets not forget the incredibly sore boobs that I am experiencing. I'm not kidding, they hurt like you wouldn't believe. Unfortunately, my oldest nephew is right at boob level and every time he hugged me I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It's so bad that every time I roll over in bed I wake up cause they hurt so much.  I think the problem is that my brain and uterus are not currently speaking to each other. Most likely because my brain is pissed the hell off that my body is no longer PG. Or maybe that's just me. In any event all of these PG symptoms are starting to take a toll on me emotionally.  It has been eight days since we found out we are no longer PG and yet my body still isn't ready to start the m/c. I've had an achy discomfort feeling in my lower back, hip & buttock region(all on the right side only) but no bleeding or cramps as of yet. We are gonna give it another week and if I still haven't started bleeding we will go see my RE again and I think he will do another scan and we can re-evaluate and see if we want to continue waiting for it to happen naturally or see if we want to go ahead and schedule a D&C. We wanted to let it go naturally, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. When every waking moment I have to remind myself I'm no longer PG. It would be one thing if all these symptoms was going to lead us to our take-home baby, but it's not. And, it's only getting harder with each passing day. 

Grace

It feels ironic that the only song bringing me any comfort right now is titled "Grace". ...When it just so happens, Grace is a name we were considering for a middle name had it been a girl.

Trigs

We went in for our sono this morning and they told us "You're pregnant but the yolk sac is empty. It fertilized and attached but didn't develop properly. There's nothing anyone could have done. It's genetics and the most common/normal type of miscarriage." She said, "this doesn't increase our chances of future miscarriages and won't decrease our chances of a viable pregnancy. Unfortunantly, it's just something that happens."

They told us to take a couple days to decide if we want to have a d&c or let it happen naturally.

We are ok, sad but ok.
We will try again.