You is....

I've been having a very hard time this week with post miscarriage feelings. I would have been 16w2days today. This is supposed to be my merry Christmas. I went for another beta yesterday and my numbers were 33. Which means, I have to go back again next week. In the last ten weeks, I've had eight doctor appointments. I'm so ready for all this to be over. Every time I think I can start moving forward and try to forget this, I have to go back in for another beta and be reminded all over again. I just want it to be over already.

I watched .Th.eHel.p the other day and heard this saying. I'm trying to remember this and I know I'll be reciting this to myself over the next couple of days. Anything to get me through....

Ahh, why do I feel like this?

I am gonna go ahead and say it, as bad as it sounds....I am somewhat bothered that no one is praying for me. There, I said it. How awful am I?

I am very, very glad for all the prayers for my sister. That's not what this is about. Then, yesterday we found out that my uncle died, so it's like I have been forgotten about. I come from a big family of long-time prayer warriors. I get at least one email a day from my great-aunt listing all the family member prayer requests and I can't help but think where's my name? I know it's horrible what happened with my sister's seizure and very stressfull on my parents that her doctors haven't {and may never} find out what caused her to have one. And now, my aunt asked my dad to do the funeral so along with all the family issues and it being a holiday week, it's a lot to take in and process.

I'm finding the stress of the m/c to be all so overwhelming. (It officially happened a week ago {11/15}. I keep meaning to write a post on that, but for now, it's too hard to even think about, much less write about.) All I keep thinking is I would have been 12 weeks along today. This should have been the best Thanksgiving ever, and yet, it's very much the opposite. I'm finding it very hard to be thankful for anything. And, I know that's wrong. I am very thankful my sister is doing somewhat better. But me personally? I am having a hard time. I have been so strong these past few weeks and now it's all crashing down on me and I CANNOT let it get me down. I WILL NOT become the person I was after our failed IVF.

My brother came in last night and so I am going to my mom's house today to hang out with my nephews{and help my mom cook}. Those kiddo's always, always make me feel better and so I plan on soaking up as much of them as I possibly can and have some much needed and long over due aunt/nephew time.

Grace

It feels ironic that the only song bringing me any comfort right now is titled "Grace". ...When it just so happens, Grace is a name we were considering for a middle name had it been a girl.

sad day

Please pray for my family as my Mamaw has now passed away and is gone on to heaven, at least she isn't sufferring anymore. It happened this morning....I'm headed that way now.

I started

5 days late, then I start. WHY? It's hard enough starting on time I don't know why my stupid body doesn't get it. If I can't get pregnant and I still have to have the reminder EVERY month that I am not pregnant, than why can't it just start on time?

I don't know why but I really thought this was my month. Starting to cry again....I don't know how much longer I can do all of this.