The way we were

For the first four years of ttc & five years of unprotected sex, we were regulars in church, prayed everyday and read our bibles. Year after failed year, my faith began to decline, but it wasn't until after my brother's death and failed ivf that we slowly got out of church. I know that we need to be faithful again and that is going to be the only way to be happy but it's so hard when trial after tragedy keeps happening.

As a child I was raised in church, as was J. Anytime there was a major issue or burden I remember my dad would fast and pray for a complete day. I always wondered how he could go the whole day on only a few drinks of water. Now that I'm older and been through trials of my own I see it. At the beginning of our ttc I fervently prayed and asked God to please let me get pg and have a child. I prayed and prayed while my SIL's, friends(and everyone else) got pg.

The day of my brother's accident, I inadvertently fasted and prayed. I sat on the floor in the hallway of that hospital, sobbing uncontrollably and fearing the absolute worst. The doctor said that my brother had a less than 10% chance of survival before his surgery. Somehow he made it through the six-hour surgery, leg amputation and massive blood transfusion. They said he was losing blood faster than they could put it in.....He "survived" several hours afterwards. I say it that way because he was unconscious, on life support and had major brain damage. I prayed and prayed that He would spare my brother's life, but that was not the case.

When we did ivf, I was constantly praying that it would work. But, once again that was not the case. My baby was taken before I had the chance to know anything about it.

Last year when my mom got really sick I was too afraid to pray for her since the two last major prayer requests I had had were answered the opposite of how I was hoping for. I was scared that if I prayed for her to get better I would end up losing her. And just the thought of that was bad enough.

I really don't know how to get back into church. I never thought I/we would not be going. I know it is not going to be easy, but I think it needs to be done. I think my hardest part is my dad is the preacher. I think it would be easier to start going again if we were to find a new church to go to. But I'm torn on that because I know that would upset my parents, but they should just be happy that we are going again, even if it's not at their church, right?

My dad(among others) says that I have changed. I don't know how anyone can go through what I have gone through in the last few years and not change. I guess that my trials should be making me stronger and in some ways I think it has, but in others I feel defeated.

Why should I keep hoping, dreaming, praying and believing if all I'm going to get in return is failure.?.?.? .........Depleted, defeated failure.

How much more of our time and money should we waste on something that may never happen for us? I never thought it would be this way. And I don't know how to get back to how I was, not that that's even a possibility. How do I become a mother-less wife and not feel like a complete and utter failure? How do I feel un-broken? And how on earth will I ever be okay with being around pg girls, babies and children? How do I get back to feeling good? How? My answer to everyone of my questions is, I don't know. And honestly...........I don't know if I'll ever know!