Anniversaries

In about a week J and I will be celebrating our 7th anniversary! I am so happy to be traveling through life with him by my side. However, this also means we have been TTC for six of those years. Where has the time gone? Oh yeah, it's gone to hell and back in gasoline underpants! So many emotions come to mind when I think of all the time, effort, procedures, money, and stress that we have put into this endeavour. We still want to have children and I doubt that will ever change. What has changed is my attitude and my belief system. It has gone from "I will get pg and have children of my own" to "Will I ever get pg and have children of my own?" I honestly, have no idea and that pains me to say it. Thinking it is bad enough, you can almost convince yourself it isn't real, but by saying it aloud it becomes more tangible and real.

Coming to terms with the fact that I may never be a mother is hard enough. But, then I think, if I am not a mother, then I will never be a grandmother or even a great grandma. No babies, grand babies or great grand babies....The mere thought of this sends a pain right through my heart and soul. Not to mention the fact that the family name stops with us...We couldn't carry out the family name. I feel as if I cannot breathe. And I hear myself saying, in a soft, calm voice, breathe...breathe...breathe. I literally have to make myself stop thinking about it so as to not go into anxiety mode.

I am looking forward to another 7 years(and many more) with DH! But, oh how I hope to God that children are a part of that! I'm sure I/we can survive if we are not blessed with kiddo's, but for now, I cannot even begin to fathom such a life.