It never occured to me until today(this was actually a couple months ago) to ask J about more IVF Cycles......I mean we have talked about it several times and have both said that we want to try it again, but I NEVER asked him if HE could handle it.....I always assumed if I could handle it, he would be able to handle it. I mean, I have to go to the RE all the time, and be seen, poked, & prodded numerous times by what seems like EVERYONE in the medical field. I have to have my blood drawn, take all sorts of pills, hormone patches, vitamins, and give myself 3-4 shots A DAY!! And yes, I know that it is hard for him also, but he just seemed to breeze through it. And not really show the pain and loss like I did. Or maybe, he was putting on a strong face for me, since I took it so hard.
Well, we have said that when we do IVF again that we are going to do the package deal (3 fresh, & up to 3 frozen cycles). So, I said to J that I know it will be wicked hard to go through the possible 6 cycles, and IF none were to workout it would be extremely difficult, BUT, I would rather feel as though I gave it my all instead of trying (& failing) the 1st time and giving up. And, always wondering "what if". What if we did IVF again? What if we got pregnant the next time? WHAT IF??? I HATE the "what ifs".
Now, when J thought about it and realized that it could be 6 more times of IVF, he was a little stand-offish. He still is, and this is what his reasoning is. He said, he doesn't know if he can handle the loss, but more so, if none of the cycles "took" he knew I would be devastated and that would be the hard part for him. That he would have to see me go through loss and pain and devastation and depression. And, what only he can imagine is, that, with each try it would get worse and worse. He said, he does not know if he can handle seeing me go through all of that 6 more times.
Of course, his words broke my heart a little cause I know he is right. And, I hate that I was so distraught over it that I didn't see how much he was hurting as well. So, for now I think we are on "PAUSE" with the whole situation. And, maybe soon we will decide when we will try again and just how many more cycles we can handle.
Six more IVF cycles would definitely be a lot to go through (both physically and emotionally). Good luck in making your decision.
ReplyDeleteI agree that if I were in your situation I wouldn't want to wonder what if I had tried again and it worked. I'm sure you both will come to a decision that will be the best for your situation.