It's Official! .....this time, for realz!

In the past few months, hubs has brought up the topic of fostering and foster-to-adopt. He works with a guy that's fostered and adopted a few kids and I guess he's been getting the skinny on it. Well, given that hubs doesn't really talk too much on the whole baby subject, much less bring it up himself, I assumed that was the route he wanted to try. I've looked into it before, after the first time he mentioned it, but never really gave it much thought. About two weeks ago he brought it up again. {{Let me get you up to speed real quick.... I was a week late in my cycle. I knew it was going to start (that's just my luck) but with everyday that passed it got harder and harder to not get my hopes up. I told hubs, I know it's going to start and it's going to be rough on me, so please just be there for me, when it does. Sure enough, 7 days late and hopes toward the sky, she arrived on a Sunday morning of all days. I so wanted to just put on slouchy clothes and watch tv all day, but no, we went to church, as planned. Well wouldn't you know the sermon was on how important 'new life' is and a lady sang a song about babies, or the lack there of rather. Ok, the song wasn't really about that, but that's all I heard. Isn't it strange how the message can speak right to you and your situation, sometimes? On our way home, hubs asked what was wrong? Obviously, I had been extremely quiet all morning and yes, I even cried through most of church. I simply told him, that I was upset that I'd started. I knew it was going to be rough and boy was it ever! His response to me was, "We'll just adopt!" All matter of fact-like..... This being the second conversation of him bringing up the topic}} He told me all about this guy at work and how many they've fostered and how many of those they adopted, etc etc.... So, as the weeks went on I began to really contemplate adoption and possibly fostering. I did some research, thought on it some more, wondered if I could really be ok with it and then decided if hubs has brought it up a couple of times, it's clearly something he's open to. He has been supportive of me trying every procedure under the sun for the last 10 years, I truly believe it is my turn to try something his way. Last Sunday on our way to church.... I told him that I've been thinking a lot about it and did some research and that we could go ahead and fill out an application to adopt if he wanted to. I had found a place that was local that you didn't have to pay for anything, until the actual adoption took place. (Because of our current lack of funds)  I explained how even starting the process now wouldn't mean we will get a baby this month, but that maybe by starting it now things could possibly roll into place around a November. Basically, I was hoping with the wait time it would be nice if the money needed for an adoption wouldn't be needed until during adoption month when lawyers offer their services for free or at a discounted rate. I said all of that and he replied with, "I see us living on a boat for the rest of our lives." .....I'm not gonna lie, I was mad when I first heard him say that. I mean who puts living on a boat ahead of having children?? It was so maddening. It felt like my world was crashing down all around me and all I could do was sit there and watch it happen. Then he said, if you really want to adopt we can, but it's one or the other. Again, that's what I heard.....he didn't really give me an ultimatum, but it definitely felt like an ultimatum. At this point we had arrived at church and I had to go inside {bad idea starting the convo on the way to church} I sat in church and began to get angry, which is kinda hard when you're in church. But, then all of a sudden I started to really process things. For the past 10 years hubs has been trying all these treatments, mainly for me. Yes, of course he wants kids, but over the many years of TTC he has always told me that if it's not meant to be, he is ok with it just being me and him. And, we have always, always said that our marriage comes first!! We would quit trying if/when it ever became an issue with our marriage. I never wanted TTC to become something that caused resentment between the two of us. And not that it has caused resentment, but I'm sure if we were to continue on this path it would start very soon. I can't even explain how it happened, but before I knew it I wasn't even angry anymore. In that moment I decided it was time for me/us to move on. I knew there was only one way for me to get through this and not become bitter....so I prayed and asked God to take away my need/want for children. Never in my life would I have ever thought that was something I could/would do, but I did. And just like that, I had this peace wash over me that it was all going to be okay. It's not like I don't have children in my life already, I do, we do, it will just be that we don't have any of our own.  

Truth be told, I can even see us living on a boat!! And while it could be done with children, the likelihood of it happening after a baby is pretty slim. I think it's time we start living our lives and after everything hubs has done for me, I think it's about time I start doing things for him! I know it will not be easy, but I know we will be ok! I suppose there are worse things in life than not having children. And so, with all that said, we are done.....with all of it. 

{The only way I can truly start to move on will be to close this blog, for good. We can still keep in touch on F.b, but I can't keep coming back here every now and then, making things worse on myself. I have to cut the strings from this chapter in my life. I thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart for all your love & support through my journey!!! I wish you all the very best in life.....you deserve it, each and every one of you!!}

~Hugs & Hearts~ 

 ^J^