I've been contemplating a FB group message or a blog post... I know I've stopped blogging & I'm not real sure who, if anyone, still blogs? Therefore, I don't know if anyone will read this? I know everyone is sure to see it in a FB message, but for some reason I feel more comfortable pouring my heart out here.
What I'm about to tell you is not easy for me to say. That's probably why I've debated posting anything at all...
Where do I begin? Remember last September when we did that IUI, that did work, but ended with a m/c? Well, before we did that one we had decided that we were going to try two more IUI's and then we were going to stop all IF treatments{never thinking it would end this way}. So the first one ended sadly with the m/c at the end of last year, then we did our 2nd & final IUI last month....It did not work. And well, I don't have to tell you, but these last two weeks have been extremely difficult for me.
It's so much more than, "It didn't work." It goes beyond that in every way possible. There is no more hope. I'm not going to be a mommy. There will never be any crying babies to sooth, no love, hugs & kisses, no first steps or first words, no scraped knees to band-aid, no teaching my kiddo's how to ride a bike, no first day of school jitters...nothing. And, if I'm not a mother, than I won't ever be a mamaw, so no grandchildren either...
I don't know how to do this. How am I supposed live child free and be okay with it? Will this pain go away? Will I be bitter the rest of my life or will I eventually learn to live without children? The questions are endless. I'm not sure what else to say...
My heart is broken....
I'm so sorry!
ReplyDeleteThis breaks my heart!! I've never been through infertility but have read your blog for a long time! I just so badly want to be your cheerleader
ReplyDeleteThen again I have never suffered through your losses and disappointments, atleast not through infertility I can't rember what your stance was on fostering or adoption but I just feel your need to be a mom it runs deep in me just as I feel it runs deep in you wish there was something I could do to help!
ReplyDeleteI could never be a foster parent...just the thought of getting attached and then having to give the child back would break me for sure! We have no problem with adoption except the cost. We are already out $30K and broke beyond broke. I would love having you as my personal cheerleader, just not sure what's to cheer about anymore. Thanks for your sweet words & concern!
Delete(((HUGS))) My spirit is weeping with you. I know that there are no words to help, but my (((hugs))) are with your soul... Many prayers for you and Joe.
ReplyDeleteOh, J. *sob* My heart is with you. I wish I could take away your pain and give you what you so richly deserve. ((((((hugs))))))
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I wish I could give you a hug in real life, J. You are such a sweet and caring person! And you have such a loving heart! I am SO sorry and wish SO badly that you could have every dream fulfilled and have all of this heartache taken away. I know this is very difficult for you. Know that I love you and always will. All of my IF friends hold a very special place in my heart!
ReplyDeleteI don't really know what to say,but I wanna let you know I'll be thinking and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHey girl, I'm totally crying right now reading your post and I know there is nothing I can say to ease that pain. Just sending lots of love and (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteWe were there 2yrs ago. After some time Chris did give way to start TTC again, it was to be our last *hurrah*. I started researching and we were going to use Dr. Sher at SIRM in Vegas. I started to get so overwhelmed with emotions. I just couldnt go through it again to end in disappointment. Chris was very adamant that he was not adopting a child. What you would call the reluctant spouse. After some *long* heartfelt conversations, some ups/downs in our marriage, he agreed to adoption. Now after everything we've been through, our goal is to become parents. He now looks back at the pain the IF treatments put me through and wished he agreed to adoption sooner. I couldn't imagine life w/out being a mommy or a crying baby either, seems to make life complete. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Misty
I'm so sorry {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteOh, my heart is breaking for you. I just wish I could just jump on a plane right now and come give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, my heart is breaking for you. I wish I could give you a big hug!!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you ^J^. Words can't tell you how sorry I am to read this. I am so very sorry things ended this way for you and I hope that someday, somehow you will be happy in life. You are a great person and have been a great friend to me. Please keep in touch and let us know how your coping. ((((HUGS))))
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